Fictional Characters Get All the Girls - nothing nothings a 24-hour album -- May 18, 2005 ===================================================== Fictional Characters Get All The Girls [title: Sam Kabo Ashwell] I've heard about so many guys Great successes, woman-wise I try quite hard to emulate Some of those guys to get a date But I never hear the music swell What the hell? You can trust J.D. to write a tale Where the women are women and the men are hale When it comes to girls, his touch was golden, Nobody got it done like his main man Holden How about Luke? He was never coarse To the gal he liked, and he didn't use force. So what if she was his sister? At least he kissed her! Fictional guys got great appeal Even if they're not for real Just like swine get all the pearls Fictional characters get all the girls If you could be in two places at once You'd spend half your time screwing if you weren't a dunce You'd scroll through girls like you were a platen That must have gone down with Dr. Manhattan Fictional folk got great appeal Even if they're not really for real Sam Spade? He got the girls Jason Bourne? He got the girls Arthur Dent? He got the girls Craig Schwarz? He got the girls Bilbo Baggins? He got the girls Bill the Cat? He got the girls Roy Neary? He got the girls The Little Tramp? He got the girls Archie Bunker? He got the girls Martin Brody? He got the girls Winston Smith? He got the girls Benjamin Stone? He got the girls Rigby Reardon? He got the girls Joe Buck? He got the girls Incredible Hulk? He got the girls Willow Rosenberg? (she) got the girls Severus Snape? He got the girls Banana Splitz? They got the girls The Puppet Master He got the girls Duke Nukem? He got the girls ------- chords: A D E A B D F#m B E A C Eb G A D F#m Bm G Bm G A A D F#m Bm G F#m Bm A A D F#m G D F#m Bm E A (repeat) D F#m Bm G F#m G E A (repeat chorus) A D E (repeat ad infinitem) ===================================================== Jimmy Ate His Manifesto [title: Sam Kabo Ashwell] Jimmy ate his manifesto Doc Thompson ate his chart Father Max ate his sermon Tony ate his play's start Bus driver ate her schedule nothings ate his lyrics Denise ate her contract Xerxes ate his xerox Susie ate her report card Captain ate his sail William ate his spreadsheet Postman ate everyone's mail Andre ate his red flag Architect ate his stonework Jenny ate the lesson plans The dog ate my homework Honest ===================================================== Larger Than the Sun [title: Zvi Gilbert] (so big, so big, so big, so big) Larger than a zippo Larger than a knife Larger than a hippo Larger than your wife Larger than a wino Larger than a dune Larger than a rhino Larger than the moon Bigger than a breadbox Bigger than a stork Larger than my dreadlocks Larger than New York Bigger than Bill Gates' net worth Larger than a ton Bigger than the earth Larger than the sun My love is larger than the sun Far too big to ever cover My love is larger than the sun I mean my feelings, not my lover ------- chords: A! = A add B B! = B add E F! = F add B,E G! = G add B,E A! F! A! F! A! F! E F! E A! B! F! G! A! B! E D A B G D G D A G D D G D G D A A B B! ===================================================== You Know, That One With the Thing [title: elthar] I know that you hate giving gifts For fear of mistakes that lead to tiffs. What if your choice isn't perfectly sized? You end up sitting there paralyzed That's why, this time, I made it easy You won't look dumb nor feel too cheesy Christmas won't be a time for fear, 'Cause there's just one thing I want this year. It isn't going to break the bank If you hide it in the closet it won't turn rank My mind's made up, it will not change This isn't something I'm gonna exchange I want... I want... I want that thing that we saw that time You know, that one with the thing Its features and stuff are so sublime If I had it now, I would live like a king It's got two great aspects, or maybe three Makes for a whole lot of joy you'll bring All you gotta do is get it for me You know, that one with the thing It's easy to clean, just use a damp cloth; It'll make my life more pleasant I'm drawn to its flame like I was a moth So please go ahead and make it my present It isn't going to break the bank If you hide it in the closet it won't turn rank The place that sells it isn't dank To get there you don't have to refill the tank I want that thing that we saw that time You know, that one with the thing If I don't get it it'll be a crime 'Cause it's the kind of thing that'll make me sing I'll be so happy, I'm sure you'll see My heart will burst and take to wing Just go and get that thing for me You know, that one with the thingamajig You know, that one with the whatchamacallit You know, that one with the thing ------- chords: Db-Eb-Db-Eb Db Eb Db Eb Ab Bbm Db Eb Db Eb Db Eb Ab Bbm Db Eb Fm Bbm Db Eb Ab Db Bbm Eb Ab Fb Bb Db Eb Ab Eb Bbm Gb Ab Db F Bb Db Eb Ab Eb Bbm Gb Db Ab F ===================================================== Poor Me, Pour Me [title: Ryan Freebern] Another glass to wash and wipe, As people come and go They come in every shape and stripe Save what lies below 'Cause everyone who comes in here Has took it on the chin Now they live in endless fear They can never win Here comes another "poor me" Another "poor me" To say "Pour me another" 'Cause life is like croquet. When life has gone and knocked them down And they're feeling sicker What they want to do is drown All their fear in liquor So here comes another "poor, poor me" Another "poor me" To say "Pour me another" Oh brother. They ask me for my grand philosophy; It's not really something with which I agree But I say "You're the ball, and life's croquet" At least they usually tip okay. The barfly is a special breed And I am their bug zapper They're wrapped inside their special need And I am the unwrapper ===================================================== The Owls Have Machine Guns [Title: Nicholas Vining] You've got a problem here But if you'll take my advice I'm sure I can get you through it. It's a dangerous place. But I know what needs to be done. You can't make it on your own. Put your trust in me. I can overcome the biggest danger. Do you hear them? In the trees? They're hiding in the trees. Hiding. And hooting. The owls. The owls have machine guns. The owls. The owls have machine guns. Of course you don't see them. The machine guns. They're hiding the machine guns. What good would the machine guns be if they didn't hide them? Trust me, they've got machine guns. But with my leadership, we can make it through the forest And out the other side. Where there's good stuff. Great stuff. On the other side of the forest. You'll like it there. Honest. But first we've gotta get through the forest. And that means we gotta deal with this owl insurgency. In the interests of our security. The owls are going down. 'Cause the owls. The owls have machine guns. The owls. The owls have machine guns. Machine guns. But I've got it covered. Fire up the flamethrowers. ===================================================== Rubber Band [title: David Dyte] Rubber band So strong, so round Rubber band So tightly wound Rubber band To stretch with ease Rubber band To hold and seize Rubber band It won't relent Rubber band So decadent Rubber band Is twisted twice Rubber band Will pay the price Rubber band Rubber band Will wrap the news Rubber band Eschews the blues Rubber band You can't ignore Rubber band Is spoken for Rubber band Who would need more? Rubber band Attaches quick Rubber band Will do the trick Has gone insane Rubber band Is snapped in twain Rubber band ===================================================== I'm Opening the Dictionary At Random [title: Sam Kabo Ashwell] When you're writing words just as RELEASE You may leave no MARK, but don't bore us The CALIBER reflected in your piece Will exhibit your THESAURUS The best lyrics will make the girls all MELT Don't SCUMBLE them with junk that's all unkempt If unwanted words are FAIRLY dealt It won't be so blatant as to cause CONTEMPT I'm opening the dictionary at random It's not very ORTHODOX, I guess It won't rank high on the METRIC of fandom But what can I do? I've nothing to EXPRESS The aleatoric words require a PUTTY KNIFE I LIMN them with the creme de la creme They're a RADIO GALAXY of alien strife Emitted here, a tide nobody can STEM I'm opening the dictionary at random Give a WHINNY if you can guess why RECOGNIZE the lyrics were written in tandem Without due thought for ear or EYE And if a LINEAR TRANSFORMATION is too SOMNIFEROUS In my OPINION it beats words like 'ombliferous'