Article: 178604 of talk.bizarre
From: (jeff vogel)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.romance
Subject: Males, females, and me.
Date: 30 Nov 1994 00:48:45 -0500
Organization: Rutgers University LCSR
Lines: 52
Message-ID: <3bh3nt$>
Status: O

This is a story about how I fell in love once. It is here now, so that all
here may learn from it, and stuff. Especially Starcap, who must now see
what beauty may be contained in stories of this sort.

We were friends. Best of friends for years. I had my flings, so did she,
and all through it we shared, and grew, and melded. Through all of this,
no matter how much we shared, we never did more than hug. Yes, there was
an occasional kiss on the cheek, and once I masturbated near her at a
slumber party, although I did not fantasize about her in the slightest, and
she wasn't awake or anything (I could hear here snoring gently, although
not sexually), but there was never anything there more than gentle,
platonic friendship.

Then, one day, when we were both on the rebound from nasty break-ups, we
realized together that we were each the person we had both been searching
and striving for. Well, OK, I realized it on the surface. She realized it
deep down, near her soul, far from the cruel, savage things she said on
the surface.

But then, she changed her mind, came around, and came to love me, and then
I came. Lo, the bliss of our union! Lo, the joy I felt as our hearts joined
together as one, sewed together by the sutures of our mutual understanding!

Such were the wonders of those happy days that I am not sure which of my
memories of them are real and which are not. When I am filled with too much
joy, I begin to hallucinate. But who doesn't?

Alas, my happiness came to an end. For it was during one of those
hallucinations that she put in the implants. She was a psych major, you
see (we were in college then). Damn her, for involving me in her experments.
Damn her, for being so evil, all the time I knew her, and hiding it from
me by being so kind and understanding! So I broke up with her! I think.

Let this be my lesson to you. Avoid relationships with friends. They will
only hurt you, and you won't be too happy when the electrodes get stuck
in your fucking worthless brain, now, will you? Avoid relationships with
strangers too. Unless they have sex with you right away! That's a sign of
love at first sight, the only true love! And whenever you touch someone,
imagine a thin layer of latex between your flesh and theirs - it will
keep you safe and closed.

I don't know what happened to her. I think she's still my friend. She's
going out with someone else, now, I think. I'm sure he's in great pain. I
can only hope. If he exists, of course, and god, I hope he does!

					- Jeff Vogel
					Rutgers math