Article: 178597 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.butt.harp
From: (Eric Scheirer)
Subject: Always Used to Hate Harps: the play
Message-ID: <>
Summary: fail to suck
Sender: (USENET News System)
Organization: MIT Media Laboratory
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 22:13:12 GMT
Lines: 440
Status: RO

Author's Note: Anyone who has been on the Internet for any length of time
has undoubtedly been exposed to the seminal piece of Internet literature,
_Always Used to Hate Harps_, by "noted Internet author and sexual loon"
RICHH.  It is impossible for me to understate the magnitude of the impact
this great work has on me every time I read it; I'm sure many of you 
feel the same way.

However, _Always Used to Hate Harps_ suffers from a particular problem 
common to Internet authors:  it is available only in prose form, thus
making it inaccessible to the millions of illiterate people who might
otherwise benefit from its wisdom.  To this end, I have attempted to
convert _Always Used to Hate Harps_ into a dramatic presentation, with the
goal that it be put on in a travelling theatrical performance, a sort of
"Info Superhighway on the Road" if you will.  

And so, with no further ado, I am pleased to present

                         ALWAYS USED TO HATE HARPS
			     a play in two acts
			      by Eric Scheirer

                       based on the RICHH short story
Cast: RICHH, a guy in his early twenties.  Attractive, masculine,
      uninhibited.  Not the kind of guy who needs to go to SAE Hillcrest
      parties to get laid.

      MOLLY, a Jewish sorority girl.  Slender, waif-like, flirtatious,
      sexy as all hell, uninhibited.

      KELLY, a buxom Irish redheaded violinist.  One of Molly's
      sorority sisters.  Uninhibited.


Notes on production: a slide projector should be positioned so as to
project images onto a large screen behind the stage and players.  The
image should be as large and unmistakable as possible.  The images
change slowly at the beginning of Act I, but accelerate, and are
changing quickly by the end of Act II.  The slides to be shown are
notated as IMAGE: in the text of the play.  They must be synchronized
with the dialogue, so that the players are not forced to wait for the

In act II, we begin to hear a etherial, sarcastic voice, projected 
from offstage.  This voice should be prerecorded by the actor playing
RICHH, but in a caustic style which contrasts greatly with the cheerful
naivete of the RICHH character, almost as if there is a second RICHH making
bracketed sarcastic comments about the play.  The taped voice is denoted 
as OFFSTAGE RICHH, or ORICH, in the script.

Act I.

Scene I.  As the curtain opens, we see RICHH and 3 GUYS standing in
          the Arts Quad.  Grass and trees surround them.  A dog barks.

IMAGE: A blue sky, with white puffy clouds.

   GUY 1: So, RICHH, why are you staying in Ithaca this summer?

   RICHH: I'm trying to pick up some more language credits.  I'm
          taking French.  It's six credits.  Plus, I hear it's a
	  great way to meet babes.

   GUY 2: <Laughs>.  Say, haven't you heard vague rumors about a girl
          in that class?

   GUY 3: Yeah, that's right.  She's an exhibitionist who competes in
          contests at fraternity parties to see which girl can raise
	  her skirt the highest.

   GUY 2: I heard that she scored 1600 on her SAT's.

IMAGE: The SAT answer sheet, with all the ovals filled in.

   GUY 1: I heard that she would X an then go through guys like potato chips.

   GUY 3: I also heard she has a big collection of sex toys that she
          loans out to her sorority sisters on occasion.

   RICHH: Wow!

   GUY 2: Well, I've gotta go.  I have to meet my friend.

   GUY 3: Me too!

    - Exeunt omnis.

Scene II.  A classroom in Morrill Hall.  There are CLASSMATES, 15 or so,
           sitting around a large rectangular table.  RICHH and MOLLY
	   sit next to each other, facing upstage.  MOLLY is wearing a
	   demin skirt and white stockings.  The TEACHER is lecturing
	   in introductory French.  None of the CLASSMATES are paying

IMAGE: A blackboard, with French verb conjugations written on it.

    RICHH: <whispering to MOLLY> Boy, this class is brutally enervating,
           isn't it?

    MOLLY: And you aren't kidding!  I'm sooo bored!

    RICHH: Ditto!

    <MOLLY leans against RICHH.  RICHH rests his hand on MOLLY's thigh.
     MOLLY writes something in her notebook.>

IMAGE: A spiral-bound notebook, with doodles in the margins.
       "Higher" is written in large letters and underlined.

    <RICHH moves his hand up.  MOLLY writes something else.  RICHH
    moves his hand to MOLLY's crotch.  MOLLY gasps.  RICHH begins
    stroking MOLLY.  MOLLY starts writing faster and panting more
    visibly.  The TEACHER keeps lecturing; none of the CLASSMATES seem
    to notice what is happening.  MOLLY parts her legs more and scribbles
    furiously in her notebook.>

IMAGE: The same notebook, now with strange, Eastern-looking symbols,
and arrows pictures written all over the same page.

    <MOLLY lets out a low moan.  Her pencil snaps against the page.>

    MOLLY: <whispering> We'll have to do this all summer.  Twice a
           day, I should think.

    RICHH: Wow!

    <The TEACHER finishes lecturing>
      - Exeunt omnis.

Scene III: The same classroom, a month later.  There are less
           CLASSMATES now; apparently, many of the original students
	   have dropped the class.  The TEACHER is lecturing on a more
	   advanced topic.

IMAGE: A blackboard, with a French sentence written on it and parsed.

     MOLLY: <whispering to RICHH> Take my panties off.  I have a surprise.

     RICHH: Wow!

     <MOLLY raises her hips slightly.  RICHH slides her panties down
     past her knees.  She slides one foot through and spreads her thighs.>

     MOLLY: Feel inside.

     RICHH: <feeling inside MOLLY> I felt a 'clink' and something hard
     and round.

     <MOLLY looks around.  She writes something in her notebook.>

IMAGE: MOLLY's notebook.  Written in bold letters: "Ben Wa balls.  I've
       been juicy all day."

     RICHH: What happens if I spin them?

     MOLLY: Try it.

     <RICHH begins to manipulate MOLLY's crotch.  MOLLY immediately begins
     thrashing around on her chair>.

IMAGE: Meadowlark Lemon spinning a basketball on his index finger.

     <MOLLY reaches her climax after only a minute or so.>

     MOLLY: Wicked.  You're wicked.

IMAGE: The Wicked Witch of the West

     <MOLLY writes something else in her notebook>.

IMAGE: "Come by my sorority tonight.  I've got another surprise."

Lights down.  Curtain.  End of Act I.

Act II.

Scene I.  Just after dinnertime, a bedroom in a sorority house, all
ruffles and pink frills.  MOLLY leads RICHH in through the door, passing
through a crowd of half-dressed SORORITY GIRLS.

     MOLLY: Get undressed.

     RICHH: What's the surprise?

     MOLLY: You'll see.  Just take off your clothers.  I'll be right

     <MOLLY exits.  RICHH strips down to his underwear.  He's amazingly
     buff.  He waits for a while and starts to look bored.>

IMAGE: The stage set (a single, leafless tree) of _Waiting for Godot_.

     <Five minutes pass.  RICHH begins poking through a dresser.  He
      holds up a piece of frilly lingerie and takes a big sniff from it.
      He throws it down and looks sheepish as MOLLY returns.  He sits
      down on the bed.>

     RICHH: All right, Mol, what's the plan?

     <MOLLY starts to undress.  She has "prominent nipples", but who
     doesn't, in this genre?>

     MOLLY: Well.  Ready?

     <RICHH stands up and pulls his underwear off.>

IMAGE: A photo of the California redwood forest.

     MOLLY: I take it that means yes.

     OFFSTAGE RICHH: [No tacit consent for this PC babe!]

     <MOLLY opens up a trunk and pulls something out.>

     MOLLY: All right.  Get down on your hands and knees.

IMAGE: In rapid succession: a dog, a horse, a cow, two goats fucking, and
     another dog.

     ORICH: [Smell the glove.]

     RICHH: What's in your hand?

     MOLLY: You'll see.  Trust me. 

     RICHH: Lemme see it.

     ORICH: ["Lemme?"  And what does "X an go through" mean anyway?]

     <Molly turns around to face RICHH.

IMAGE: A butt harp.

     RICHH: Great.  A garrote.  Great.

     ORICH: [Eloquent, dude.]

     <MOLLY walks over to RICHH and forcefully bends him over.>

     MOLLY: C'mon, hands and knees.  It's called a butt-harp --

IMAGE: A musical harp.

     MOLLY: you'll like it.  I promise.

     ORICH: [Never trust a naked chick with a garrote].

     <RICHH bends over.>

     ORICH: [No!  Don't do it!]

IMAGE: The same rapid succession of animal images.

     <MOLLY begins pushing one end of the harp up into RICHH's anus.>

IMAGE: Fingernails scratching on a chalkboard.

     RICHH: No lube?

     ORICH: [No, just an oil change.]

     MOLLY: It dampens it.

     ORICH: [And you know all about damp, honey!]

     <MOLLY drops down to all fours.>

IMAGE: The rapid succession of animal images, a third time.

     <MOLLY inserts the other ball into herself and crawls away
      from RICHH until the wire is taut.  She reaches back and plucks
      the wire>

IMAGE: Jimi Hendrix playing guitar.

     ORICH: (plays a mouth harp)

     <RICHH laughs>

     MOLLY: What's so funny?

     RICHH: Look at us.

     ORICH: [Nooooooo, thank you.]

     MOLLY: Wait.  It gets better.  Kelly!

IMAGE: In rapid succession, Kelly LeBrock, David Caruso from _NYPD Blue_,
     a frame from a B/W gangster movie, Helen Keller, and back to David

     <Enter KELLY, carrying a violin bow>

     KELLY: Hi.  You're Rich?

     ORICH: [No, poor, really.]

     RICHH: Um, yup.

     ORICH: [There's that eloquence again.]

     KELLY: I was in your Shakespeare class.

IMAGE: Shakespeare.

     KELLY: I've never quite seen you like this before.

     ORICH: [And never again, either.]

     RICHH: Very funny, very funny.

     <ORICH makes gagging noises>

     MOLLY: Do it!

     <KELLY begins bowing the harp.  RICHH is moaning.>

IMAGE: A country fiddler.

     MOLLY: Faster, ooh.

     ORICH: [Must be contagious].

     MOLLY: Play some Paganini!

IMAGE: Itzak Perlman

     <RICHH is moaning and his breath is coming in quick gasps.>

IMAGE: Jascha Heifetz

     ORICH: [They're all violinists.  Get it?]

     RICHH: Wow!

     MOLLY: Wow.  I wish I had a prostate!

     ORICH: [But then you'd be -- and he -- aw, fuck it.  I can't watch
	     this shit anymore]

     <There is the audible sound of ORICH clicking off a microphone.>

IMAGE: Stephane Grappelli

     KELLY: Turn over.

IMAGE: A plate of turnovers.

     <RICHH and MOLLY turn over onto their backs.  KELLY continues bowing,
     and starts fingering MOLLY.>

     KELLY: Oooh, so hard.  Feels like a marble.

IMAGE: Two boys shooting marbles.

IMAGE: The title screen from "Big Blue Marble"

     RICHH: Wow!

     KELLY: You're going to come, aren't you, Rich?

     RICHH: Wow!

     <KELLY fingers MOLLY more exuberantly.>

IMAGE: A train going into a tunnel.

     MOLLY: Ooooh.  I'm gonna come.  Ooooh.  Nice.  Ooooh.

     RICHH: Ooooh.

     MOLLY: Ooooh.

IMAGE: A rocket launch

IMAGE: A cigar

     KELLY: Prepare for splashdown, Mol.

IMAGE: A lunar module splashdown

IMAGE: Another rocket launch

IMAGE: The Washington Monument, during a thunderstorm

IMAGE: A gunfight

     <KELLY tastes RICHH.>

     KELLY: Mmmm, salty.

IMAGE: Homer Simpson

     <RICHH comes, shooting all over MOLLY's stomach.  KELLY rubs
      RICHH's potent jism into MOLLY.  RICHH sits up.>
     RICHH: Wow!

     ORICH: [No, fuck YOU!]

     RICHH: Where the hell did you get *that*?!

     MOLLY: My brother brought it back from Singapore. 

IMAGE: Someone being caned.

     MOLLY: He's in the army.

     RICHH: Wow!

Lights down.  Curtain.  End of Act II.




|   Eric Scheirer   | | Ebmaj7 G7  | Abmaj7 Ao | Bb7   Bo7  | Cm7  Cm7/Bb  | 
| |         <>
|   617 253 0116    | | Am7b5 D7b9 | Gm7 Gm7/F | Em7b5 A7b9 | Fm7  Bb7b9   |