Article: 178839 of talk.bizarre
From: pv@MCS.COM (Paul Vader)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: [Repost] If I ever won the lottery
Date: 1 Dec 1994 16:08:32 -0600
Organization: Inline Software Creations
Lines: 99
Message-ID: <3blhh0$>
Summary: Another faded post from days gone by
X-Voting-info: Want to vote? Send a message with "SCORES: info" as the subject.
X-Scores-Web-page: <a href="">Click here</a>
Status: O

Some things never change. *

Subject: [Repost] If I ever won the lottery
Summary: Flames. Feh.
Keywords: fick, shin
Lines: 88
Organization: Inline Software Creations
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1993 21:06:23 GMT

  The thick envelope arrived by courier at 9:00am. Not expecting any
important papers, Kevin inspected it carefully. There was no return
address, and no new information was gained by holding it up to the
light. Finally his curiosity could no longer be contained, and Kevin ripped
the envelope open. Inside was a packet of tickets and a letter:


     You have been selected to receive an all-expense paid trip to
     the exotic Republic of the Philippines! This package includes:

     -  First class airfare on American Airlines to San Francisco,
        departing 5:00pm August 1st
     -  International business class airfare on Philippine Airlines,
        Arriving at Manila (Island of Luzon) on August 3rd
     -  Personal jet to our exclusive mountain resort
     -  Masquerade party immediately upon arrival

     Your reservations are confirmed. Fax the attached form to
     1-555-277-4653 with any special traveling or dietary
     requirements. Please, don't pass up this once in a lifetime

                        [Illegible signature]

  Kevin was totally perplexed, but excited. Nothing in the package
identified his benefactor, but the tickets looked very real. What the heck,
he thought, it's during the late summer break. He immediately started making
a list of things to pack.
  On the afternoon of the first of August, Kevin was closing up his
suitcases when the doorbell rang. A uniformed valet was standing at the
door. "Your limosine, sir."
  Kevin was struck so speechless he couldn't even say one of his classic
comeback lines. The valet loaded the suitcases in the limo, and they drove
to the airport in luxurious silence, broken only occasionally by Kevin
attempting to burp the alphabet after drinking champagne.
  He was whisked efficiently to the departure gate, and almost immediately
was seated in first class. He ate the best meal of his life, and it seemed
only minutes before the plane smoothly touched down at San Francisco
International Airport.
  An airport cart was waiting by the arrival gate when he got off the plane,
and he was quickly shepherded to Philippine Airlines. He had almost all of
first class to himself this time, except for another man approximately his
age. "1776, that's the spirit!" the man said by way of greeting.
  "In Bed!" Kevin replied happily, and the two had a wonderful time during
the trip adding brilliant commentary to the inflight movies, paging random
people on the intercom, and generally making the flight crew's lives hell
for most of the 12 hour flight. Before Kevin knew it the plane was landing in
  The plane taxied to the end of the runway, and a staircase was rolled up to
its side. Two learjets were idling nearby. Kevin could hardly believe it,
him and his friend each had their own plane!
  Kevin was ushered out by an attendant holding an umbrella to shield the
blazing sun. Even with this courtesy he was sweating by the time he
boarded. Fortunately, the jet was air conditioned to a comfortable 70
degrees. The attendant closed the door behind Kevin and drove off.
  The passenger cabin had room for at least a dozen seats, but there was
only one. In place of the other seats was a king sized bed and a wardrobe
closet. As Kevin jumped up and down on the former, a announcement was made
on the intercom:
  "Greetings to our special passenger, and welcome to the Philippines.
Flight time will be approximately 2 hours, so you may wish to take a brief
nap during the flight. We will announce approximately 15 minutes before
arrival, so you have the chance to put on your masquerade costume. We regret
that a flight attendant is unavailable, but you can find food and drink in
the aft cabinet. It has been a pleasure to serve you." Almost before the
announcement ended, Kevin was asleep. The takeoff was imperceptible.
  One nap later, Kevin was awakened by another announcement. "You can find
your costume in the wardrobe. Please change now, and return to your seat.
Your travel will reach its destination shortly."
  The outfit was really neat, some sort of reptile. "Get me, I'm a
salamander!" Kevin yelled joyfully as he put it on. "Hey, maybe the pilot
will let me come up front!" He found the cockpit door behind a curtain, and
knocked. There was no response.
  "Let me in, please!" Kevin cried, "I want to see the resort as we land!"
He wrenched open the door, to find nobody inside.  There were no controls
either, and all of the instruments had steel plates bolted over them. The
plane was circling over an ominous smoky mountain.
  The intercom came on again, for the last time. "Welcome to Mt. Pinatubo."
Kevin screamed, suddenly realizing that the letter had said nothing about a
return trip. The plane screamed in chorus, starting a steep dive. *
* PV   I have no comment.

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