Article: 178853 of talk.bizarre
From: hoppie@nemesis.EBay.Sun.COM (Thomas I Hopkins)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Review by ordeal?
Date: 1 Dec 1994 22:27:11 GMT
Organization: Organized? Me?
Lines: 50
Message-ID: <>
Status: O

The other day my cow orker's purse was stolen.  She related the events
surrounding the abduction of her purse.  She was at a play, and
noticed briefly that her purse slipped, and thought nothing more of it
until the play was over, and her purse was gone, cut from its strap.
We mourned her loss appropriately.

However, later I was thinking about what a rave review this was for
the play.  That it was so engrossing that a purse snatcher could work
during it is quite impressive, especially for an amateur performance.
This event suggests a useful new method of rating plays and movies.  I
present you:  The Petty Theft Ratio Review.

I envision something like:  

            Total value of goods stolen
PTRR =   ----------------------------------- X normalizing factor
          Total number of attendees present  

This will of course be crude at first, since we aren't entirely
certain yet how to measure it.  Total value of goods stolen is of
course a subjective measure to some extent, since some peculiarly
personal items like toupees and shirts are or less monetary value than
a particularly nice watch, but are also significantly more difficult
to pilfer, and would thus indicate a more riveting performance.  This
would naturally have to be taken into account in the final tally.

There is also the problem that a snuff film like _Faces of Death XVI_
could blow the curve and still have no redeeming value.  To some
extent this can be remedied by combination with other review scales,
such as the Vomit Ratio Review.  To avoid false positives from sex,
combination with the Raincoat Ratio Review might be useful.  Of
course, not everyone will see riveting performances based on sex or
violence as a bad thing, and they can plan accordingly.

In any event, this could lead to a whole new series of tagline reviews
in movie and play ads.  I can see them now (that I have written them)...

"You'll be lucky to find your popcorn missing at this dog."

"The only way you'll lose items of value is if you accidentally nod
off from boredom."

"This one is definitely worth loss of a watch.  A cheap watch, at

"I had my underwear stolen right off my body!  A must see!"

-Tom Hopkins