Article: 178893 of talk.bizarre
From: (Andrew Solberg)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: A Holiday Guide To Dieting
Date: 1 Dec 1994 19:38:18 -0600
Organization: UTexas Mail-to-News Gateway
Lines: 97
Message-ID: <>
Status: O


It's time once again for those end-of-the-year holidays, and I guess
we all know what that means.  Yes, friends; it's time to get all puffy and
bloated once more.  It seems like every year I see more and more sweets
and lardy foodstuffs getting scarfed.  I predict that by the year 2006
it will be traditional to gather with friends and family to consume a
large vat of Crisco on Boxing Day.

If you're like me, you like to eat chili out of cans without warming it
up first -- same as the next guy.  Naturally, therefore, the question
that should be foremost on your mind, except for "How am I supposed to
pee with this thing when my hands are this cold?", ought to be "How, O
how, can I shed these excess seasonal pounds?"  A fine question, that.
Fortunately, as usual, I have all the answers.

If you have put on a few extra stone, and I don't mean Sharon, then here's
a hint or three to help you jettison those Honey-baked Ham Hombre Tubby
White Guy blues:

        * Become bisexual.  This will greatly increase your cross-section
            for getting laid.  Sex is, as we all know, a highly aerobic
            activity, involving elevated heart rates, increased lung draw
            and complicated trapeze acrobatics.  As your doctor, I advise
            you IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS to get your end wet NOW.
            This is especially true for guys.  Semen, as you may or may
            not know, is chock full o' carbohydrates to power your hungry
            swimmers.  And each wad you launch is just one more tablespoonful
            of sugar that isn't powering *you*, 'chubby'.

        * Panic.  If at all possible, fear for your very life.  The fight-
            or-flight reflex is a very powerful instinct, and it requires
            a great deal of calories to sustain a prolonged bout of paranoia.
            Researchers at John Hopkins have estimated that the equivalent
            of four hours of jogging can be achieved simply by approaching
            a Hell's Angel and saying, "Hey, nice SUZUKI!"

        * Be violent.  Let me just say this: There is no exercise     
            better servicing of the cardiovascular system, more benevolent
            to blood sugar levels, or more pleasing to the overall spirit
            and human condition, than kicking the shit out of some beastly
            little crotchfodder snotnose twerp who richly deserves it.

            Sure, James Brown was an asshole for beating his wife.  But
            the man sure was LEAN....

        * Give up roughage.  Keeping the mail moving is vital to proper
            digestion - but it's IMproper digestion we're after.  What we
            want is a total blockade - an utter butt-embargo, Iraq-style,
            sealing off your sphincter until your GI tract becomes tractable.
            You will gain weight for the first few weeks.  Hovever, you
            will soon notice a marked decrease in your appetite.  Eventually
            you will cease eating entirely and your weight won't change at
            all, although pieces of it will begin to redistribute itself
            into a pleasingly warm bulge just at your waistline.  Then when
            the time is right, perhaps just before a meeting when you want
            to look your best, elective surgery can remove UP TO THIRTY
            POUNDS of undesired organic matter from your colon!  You'll be
            trim AND more productive, as you won't lose all that crucial
            time spent on the can.  Plus, this method is ALL-NATURAL!

        * Aversion therapy.  Every time you feel like having another piece
            of pumpkin pie, put a hot iron in your pants.

        * Water weight.  We are something like 95% water by weight.  That's
            a lot of water, friends -- TOO much.  You can afford to lose

            Try cutting back on your liquid intake.  At first, just give
            up on drinking pure water and almost-pure water drinks such as
            tea.  The next step is to consume only emulsion-like beverages
            such as milkshakes or lassis.  In the final stages, you will
            extract what little moisture you need from leafy branches and
            roots, much like the hardy kangaroo rat.

            In the meantime, you will slim down like you wouldn't believe!
            Your friends will be amazed at your slim figure, your taut
            skin and your incredibly dense muscle mass.  "And I'm almost
            completely dehydrated," you can truthfully boast.  Go ahead:
            you deserve it!

Finally, kids, nothing is as important to dieting as a proper, positive
frame of mind.  To that end, you should stock up on cocaine and crank
*before* the Christmas rush.

I GUARANTEE my dieting methods.  If you try to diet the Solberg way for
three weeks and aren't COMPLETELY SATISFIED, I promise I'll come over 
right away and kick the shit out of you.  And that'll be slimming for
the both of us.

Happy holidays, all, and remember these parting words:


HWRNMNBSOL = Andrew J. Solberg, Visiting Prof. at Rice U. from U. of Oslo