Article: 178977 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: The Other Tradition
Message-ID: <>
Date: Thu, 01 Dec 1994 18:19:43 -0500 (EST)
X-Received: by; id AA07744; Thu, 1 Dec 94 16:42:35 -0800
X-Received: by; id AA20148; Thu, 1 Dec 94 16:42:32 -0800
X-Received: from by (5.65/10Aug94)
	id AA16351; Thu, 1 Dec 94 16:39:41 -0800
X-Received: from by (PMDF V4.3-9 #7804)
 id <>; Thu, 01 Dec 1994 19:35:16 -0500 (EST)
X-Received: by (CoSy3.31.1.48) id <>; Thu,
 1 Dec 1994 18:19:43 -0500 (EST)
X-To: talk.bizarre.USENET@DECWRL.DEC.COM
X-Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT
X-Cosy-To: talk.bizarre.USENET@DECWRL.DEC.COM
Lines: 69
Status: O

Return-path: <>
Received: by (CoSy3.31.1.48) id <>;
 Thu,  1 Dec 1994 01:09:47 -0500 (EST)
Date: Thu,  1 Dec 94 01:09:47 EST
Message-ID: <>

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 26 years old.

My father asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  I told him "nothing"
because I don't want to be rewarded for being another year older.  But
what I really want is to move out of his basement and go live someplace
where I don't have to share my 3V with a sister who got hers taken away
until her grades go up.  I WOULD move out, but between college and
virtuality, I'm worthless.

On my 19th birthday I hugged a friend of mine who'd stopped by to wish
me happy.  I picked her up and swung her back and forth, her legs
dangling and banging me in the knees.  Nine months later I tried to
seduce her, making my intentions extremely clear and getting all the way
back to her dorm room where she invited me to play chess.  Instead of
realizing she wasn't comfortable, letting her off the hook, and trying
again later, I told her the reason I was there was because I'd heard she
was easy.  She proceeded to beat the shit out of me.

Just before midnight on my 21st me and a friend went to a bar on campus.
They wouldn't let me in until exactly midnight, so we stood in a hallway
waiting for about 10 minutes, until the person watching the door let us
in.  Then we stayed at the bar until it closed.  Sixteen hours later we
went back to that same bar and stayed until it closed.

Two weeks before my 22nd I broke up with my girlfriend.  I told her I
needed to concentrate on school, and she said she understood.  Half a
year later I flunked out.  For my birthday she gave me a Braun electric
razor.  My bristles have poked several holes in the screen through which
the blades operate, so now it's sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

     My uncle Ludwig--no, the OTHER one--was there last Thanksgiving.
     He gave me a cylindrical object that's black and about six
     inches long.  "Happy Birthday," he demanded, "since I won't be
     "Thanks," I said.  "What is it?"
     "A tachyon telepathic imager," he replied.  "Faster-than-light
     particles that can carry sound and light like a carrier wave,
     or something.  Remember 'Prince of Darkness'?  Well, it's like
     that, only it's not as powerful.  But you can send messages to
     yourself in the past!  Great, huh?"
     "What's the range?"
     "Oh, only about four years.  Like I said, it's not very

I'm too late to stop myself from hurting the Bashful Chess Player.  I'm
too late to keep from wasting my Ascension Into Manhood on one damn
bar.  But I have time to recover my last true love and avoid making the
biggest fucking mistake of my life.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 30 years old.

What the hell are you waiting for?

| Boy Mozart        |         Stevens Hall Indecency Taskforce         |
| |  "God is our programmer, but Satan is the Sysop" |
| Anthropic Principle: We see the universe the way it is because if it |
| were different, we would not be here to observe it --Stephen Hawking |