Article: 178905 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: ra@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Starcap'n Ra)
Subject: I almost died again
Message-ID: <D05o91.MEz@asuvax.eas.asu.edu>
Keywords: fail to suck, fail to die
Organization: t.b
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 23:36:36 GMT
Lines: 100
Status: O


     I almost died again the other night.

     I was crossing University Drive on foot.
It was very dark and there was almost no traffic.
I was at a crossroads, so I wasn't breaking the
law and in fact technically had the right of way.

     I made it across the two eastbound lanes and
paused before starting across the two westbound.
I saw two cars coming from the east, but they were
far away, so I proceeded on my way; of course, I'd
had a few beers so maybe my spatial judgment was
off just a bit.  At any rate, perhaps because it
was very late at night it turned out that the two
cars must have been doing 60 or 70 mph.

     As I reached the midpoint of the westbound
lanes (the dashed white lines 3/4 of the way across
the road), I suddenly felt air rush past my ass as
a car zoomed by a foot away; at the same time
a foot in front of me, the other car whipped by
as well.

     I felt like a matador fighting two bulls at
once with no cape.

     I turned my head left and saw one of the cars
swerve ever so slightly, then they were both gone
so fast I couldn't even begin to give them the
finger.

     As I got to the other curb, I thought to
myself, "Fuckin A, I almost died again."

     I almost died again a few months ago also.

     I was walking home from a Cardinals game
on Mill Avenue.  All these stupid people that
drive to the game instead of walk were busy nearly
running the smart people over so they could get
on their way home.  The light turned green and
the walk sign came on and I started walking
when some old fucker that had to have been over
70 screeched up to me and halted, giving me the
finger because he couldn't turn right on red with
me crossing the street in response to the walk
sign.

     But that's not how I almost died.  I almost
died a block later in the middle of the sidewalk
when another car came whipping out of a driveway
without looking and screeched to a halt just as
it bumped up against the side of my leg.

     Already mad from the near miss with the old
fucker, I immediately instinctively slammed my
fists on the hood.  At that point, a big nigger
that must have been a good 6 foot 5 and 260 pounds
of hard muscle got out of the car.

     I get to call him a nigger because what's
good for the goose is good for the gander, and
he started screaming at me who the fuck I thought
I was banging on his hood because he didn't see
"my honkey ass" and fuck me anyway.

     I kept walking and he got back into his car,
but after I'd gone a few hundred feet on down the
road he suddenly figured out how much bigger he was
than me and yelled out his window that a person
should really watch what the fuck they were doing
around here because somebody could get hurt and
I yelled back, "I guess to hell," meaning what with
him running over people on sidewalks and everything,
but he took it to mean little old me threatening to
beat up his 6 foot 5, 260 pound nigger ass, as it
were, so he yelled that he was going to kill me,
opened his car door and started to bolt after me,
and if his girlfriend or wife at the last second
hadn't have dived across the front seat and grabbed
him by the back of the belt and started screaming
at him to please stop I'd have been a dead man for
sure, or at least what would have been left of me
wouldn't have been worth much of a damn.

     I've almost died a whole bunch of other times,
but not within the past year, and besides, two
is more than enough for one posting.

     Sometimes I wonder how come I always almost
die and don't ever actually do die.  I think maybe
I might have a guardian angel or something.  I wonder
if perhaps I'm supposed to be here for some deep
mystical reason.  Besides t.b, I mean.

--Starcap'n Ra       {ames,gatech,husc6,rutgers}!ncar!noao!asuvax!kennedy
                        {allegra,decvax,ihnp4,oddjob}--^
                                          ^---------------The Wrong Choice
                             internet: kennedy@asuvax.eas.asu.edu