Article: 179001 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: (Blair P. Houghton)
Subject: Eyewash
Message-ID: <>
Keywords: .*wolb* ot esufer I ,kcus ot liaf I od ylno toN :sdrowyeK
Organization: The World
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 00:22:49 GMT
Lines: 63
Status: O

My eyeglasses were bothering the bridge of my nose.  I've
been wearing glasses daily for thirteen years, and only
recently did they begin to give me problems.  I guess it's
an acquired allergy, or something.

The alternatives were:

    5.  Paying my primary-care physician the $10 office-visit
	copayment just to refer me to an in-plan dermatologist
	to whom I could pay the $25 specialist-visit copayment
	plus any non-covered auxiliary expenses.  This form of
	trade would get me some insufficiently effective, doubt-
	fully-covered, prescription unguents and a lifelong series
	of followup copayments, etc., etc., just bite me, okay?

    4.  Have my eyes plucked out by vultures, thus rendering
	the offending ridge moot.  Until I invent fire, or its
	psychic ilk, this is not an actual option.

    3.  Contact Lenses.

I have avoided having shards of glass in my eyes for my
entire life, but only in the way in which up until the time
of my first training drop I had avoided for my entire life
exiting aircraft while the Bernoulli effect was significant
to their trajectory.

So, mindful of the methods I used then to prevent a similar
degradation of the quality of my health, I went in search of
silken eyes.

Someone should have stopped me.

I now have contact lenses in clear, green, midnight blue,
surprise pink, and dark bastard amber.  I have small lenses
that cover only the pupil to be light, built for speed; and
large lenses that cover the entire eye and have a zippered
compartment containing a rainhood.  I have lenses made of
actual human eye tissue (these cost an arm and a leg);
lenses made of lexan (these come with a threaded bezel to
accept a variety of filters, lens-caps, and effects
prisms); "sunglass" lenses tinted with gold leaf; and
automatic-atmospheric-aberration-correcting lenses for
gazing into the nightly heavens and pondering the mysteries
of the universe.  And I've given Laura an xmas list that
goes on for pages with contact lenses...

The ones I've settled into using the most transmute visual
information using a water-color algorithm.  Through these,
the world is as Andrew Wyeth has meant it to be.  Edgeless,
with a compressed textural range and melded coloration.
The horizon blends into the sunrise.  The mountains
intermingle with the oceans.  Every human face is a beach
to be tanned upon Buildings grow from the earth.  And sex
is the joining of two beings into one.

My nose is happier, and so are my eyes.

				  "When you can get these things
				   with four-wheel drive, you can
				   bet you'll be getting yours after
				   I get mine..."