Article: 179001 of talk.bizarre Newsgroups: talk.bizarre From: email@example.com (Blair P. Houghton) Subject: Eyewash Message-ID: <D05qE1.firstname.lastname@example.org> Keywords: .*wolb* ot esufer I ,kcus ot liaf I od ylno toN :sdrowyeK Organization: The World Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 00:22:49 GMT Lines: 63 Status: O My eyeglasses were bothering the bridge of my nose. I've been wearing glasses daily for thirteen years, and only recently did they begin to give me problems. I guess it's an acquired allergy, or something. The alternatives were: 5. Paying my primary-care physician the $10 office-visit copayment just to refer me to an in-plan dermatologist to whom I could pay the $25 specialist-visit copayment plus any non-covered auxiliary expenses. This form of trade would get me some insufficiently effective, doubt- fully-covered, prescription unguents and a lifelong series of followup copayments, etc., etc., just bite me, okay? 4. Have my eyes plucked out by vultures, thus rendering the offending ridge moot. Until I invent fire, or its psychic ilk, this is not an actual option. 3. Contact Lenses. I have avoided having shards of glass in my eyes for my entire life, but only in the way in which up until the time of my first training drop I had avoided for my entire life exiting aircraft while the Bernoulli effect was significant to their trajectory. So, mindful of the methods I used then to prevent a similar degradation of the quality of my health, I went in search of silken eyes. Someone should have stopped me. I now have contact lenses in clear, green, midnight blue, surprise pink, and dark bastard amber. I have small lenses that cover only the pupil to be light, built for speed; and large lenses that cover the entire eye and have a zippered compartment containing a rainhood. I have lenses made of actual human eye tissue (these cost an arm and a leg); lenses made of lexan (these come with a threaded bezel to accept a variety of filters, lens-caps, and effects prisms); "sunglass" lenses tinted with gold leaf; and automatic-atmospheric-aberration-correcting lenses for gazing into the nightly heavens and pondering the mysteries of the universe. And I've given Laura an xmas list that goes on for pages with contact lenses... The ones I've settled into using the most transmute visual information using a water-color algorithm. Through these, the world is as Andrew Wyeth has meant it to be. Edgeless, with a compressed textural range and melded coloration. The horizon blends into the sunrise. The mountains intermingle with the oceans. Every human face is a beach to be tanned upon Buildings grow from the earth. And sex is the joining of two beings into one. My nose is happier, and so are my eyes. --Blair "When you can get these things with four-wheel drive, you can bet you'll be getting yours after I get mine..."