Article: 261301 of talk.bizarre
From: Scott Ellis <>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Contract Negotiations
Date: Fri, 1 Dec 1995 00:45:16 -0600
Organization: Blue Sky FreeNet of Manitoba Inc.
Lines: 71
Message-ID: <>
Status: O

	"Shelly, my man!  Ernie.  How's Glenda and the kids?  Good, good.  
Katya's fine.  Well, you know, she *knows*, but she don't, y'understand what 
I'm talkin' about?  Yeah, it's a lock.  Prenuptual, I got the Tar Sands, 
Great Barrier Reef and whatsisface, that little fag singer, total rights to 
everything he even *dreams*.  Everybody laughs, I say that, but it's true.  
	"Anyway, reason I'm callin' is the Gaia deal.  Shelly, we gotta get 
on the good foot here.  How's your guy?  Good.  Listen, we got no problem, 
the tectonic clauses, that's cool.  But the genotypes we gotta have.  
	"Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Listen, Shel.... Shel... Shel.  Shel.  Shel.  
SHELDON!!!  Look, I'm going to explain somethin', you should know already, 
OK?  And once I'm done, you better tell your guy, you hear me talkin' to ya?
	"Look, Sheldon, who you tink you're dealin' wit' heeh?  Don't kid 
yuhsef, fuckface, we are the *Oppressors*.  That's right.  And I'ma tell 
ya sometin' else, we're very comfortable with that.  I gotta therapist, 
comes in once a week, helps me integrate that.  Yeah, Marcia.  Well, she 
*does* have her degree.  Yeah, the headlights help too.  Should see her in 
a corset.  
	"Now, like I'm sayin', Shel, once in a while, we spot a new 
prospect, like your guy, comin' along.  And nearly always, dude's got a 
little 'Let My People Go' action, goin' on the side.  Hey, you're only 
young once, 'less you buy into the right product, right?  Actually, it's a 
kind of a giggle, you know?  Rapin' and pillagin' gets to be nine to 
five, like anything else.  
	"But don't kid yourself, asshole.  Let's get our priorities straight. 
You're messin' round with some heavy suppliers here.  No!  I don't *have* to 
name 'em - and you know that, Shel.  Look, guy, lemme make it simple for 
you.  Here's our opening position: *Fuck*You*.  Here's our fallback: *And* 
Anyone*Who*Looks*Like*You.  You got that?  
	"'Cause if you don't - I hear you got some plans for Tierra del 
Fuego, wit' da cobalt an' that?  Nevermind how I know.  How'd you like a new 
glacier down there, like *tomorrow*, huh?  You *know* me, Shel - I deliver.  
Yeah, you tell him.                                                ^^^^^^^
	"OK, OK, let's go through it.  Norway, check.  Nova Zemyla, check.  
Australia, check.  Sudan, check.  The Dinka mythology?  You never know - I 
like to keep things covered.  Ahhh, I got more things in my line than you'll 
ever know about, Shel.  OK, OK, you're right, ya bandit.  It's not for me.  
Tell you the truth, it's Drambuie.  Yeah, eighteen and cute as a button.  
Radcliffe.  Anyway, she's got this anthro course and they gotta analyze some 
belief structure.  An' all the easy stuff, Russian Orthodox, Yanamamos, 
that's all been done to death.  So I'm scoutin' around, ya know, playin' the 
market - an' I check into the Creed Exchange.  Well, the Dinkas got a brand-
new offering.  Pastorals with cattle, like Watusi - a tribe of forwards and 
centres.  So anyway, I'm going to surprise Drambuie, her nineteenth.  Oh, 
sure, they can worship and all.  But now they gotta pay her a royalty.
	So, whatta we got left?  Ireland - Ireland can wait a bit.  
Togo?  You're kiddin' me, right?  No, no, nothin' wrong with it - it's 
just that - Man, I thought everybody'd heard that story.  
	"No big deal.  Togo it is.  Ah, no, some other time...  
	"OK, you're twistin' my arm, Shel.  This is gotta be sometime last 
century or maybe the one before.  Bunch of the usual guys, hackin' around 
after, what was the war?  Anyway, we're in some burned out castle and 
everybody's bushed.  So we decide, do the easy stuff first, Africa and that, 
and leave Europe till tomorrow.  
	"Turns out, Africa's harder than anyone figured, what with everybody 
wanting to hold on to the goodies *and* trying to leave the Arabs and the 
blacks at each others' throats.  Gets to three AM and we decide to take a 
break, have a snack.  But the servants are all dead, or maybe we hadda kill 
'em - I can't remember.  So we gotta order out.  I'm on the horn and I 
really gotta yell, 'counta the shellbursts an' that.  Meantime, some of the 
guys are talkin', standin' round the map.  You know how it is.  One of the 
flunkies, Metternich or Castlereagh or somebody, he's been worryin' 'bout 
some little corner around the equator that nobody's bothered with yet.  I'm 
on the line, shouting, for the umpteenth time, 'I said, 'I want this all TO 
GO!!!''  And the guy - he's so fried - he writes it down!  On the map!  
	"We all had a good laugh.  But, you know, it sounded about right, 
considerin', and we had bigger fish to fry.  So now ya know.  Remind me 
to tell you about porky Burkina sometime....

sae - There is no force more implacable than moral cowardice.  (me)