Article: 261571 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: (Jeff Swanson)
Subject: FTS: Standard Feline/Human Contract
Message-ID: <>
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 06:51:35 GMT
Lines: 224
Status: O


I, <name of Cat(s)>, being of diminutive brain and
mental capacity, agree to waive my right to
personal representation, and allow my owner
(hereinafter referred to as MASTER) the sole power
of attorney over my affairs, and grant him the
express right to make this contract with himself on
my behalf.

     a.   I hereby agree to refrain from deploying
          or wielding my claws unnecessarily,
          unless in pursuit of small game or prey,
          and/or during such play, initiated by
          myself or by MASTER, as might cause me to
          get so carried away with excitement that
          I just forget.
     b.   I agree to refrain from deploying or
          wielding my claws on furniture, fabrics,
          carpeting, and other such surfaces within
          the house as might be damaged by use of
          said claws, and agree to restrict
          scratching and any and all other use
          and/or deployment of claws to proper
          scratching receptacles and implements, as
          defined below:
          i.   Scratching Posts
     c.   In the event that I draw blood from
          MASTER, I hereby agree to retire
          forthwith and with all due haste under
          the nearest bed and wait there until
          MASTER has cooled down a little.

     a.   I agree to eat whatever food I am given,
          and to refrain from attempting to bury
          such food in the same manner as I bury my
          excreta (see Section 4 below).
     b.   I agree to patiently await feeding time
          in the case that my bowl is empty. 
          i.   When fed after any short period of
               bowl emptiness, I agree to refrain
               from promptly regurgitating my
               hastily eaten food onto the carpet,
               bathroom floor, hamper, or any other
               place where I might happen to be
               when the need to regurgitate may
     c.   I agree to refrain from eating cigarette
          wrappers, CD plastic, the safety wrapper
          from the mustard, and any and all other
          forms of plastic or cellophane, rubber
          bands, balloons, and any and all other
          manmade items as I, in my limited mental
          abilities, may mistake for food. 
          i.   I also agree to refrain from licking
               plastic trash bags, Barnes and Noble
               shopping bags, or any other large
               plastic open-ended flexible
               container, or bubble wrap or tape or
               any other form of plastic, adhesive
               backed or non-adhesive backed, even
               though for some weird reason I find
               them irresistible.

     a.   I agree to limit my vocalizations to such
          accepted noises as shown below. In the
          event that vocalizations are
          inappropriate, or may cause MASTER to fly
          into a murderous rage when MASTER is
          seeking a state of absolute quiet, I
          shall be allowed two (2) extra
          vocalizations before I concede the point
          to MASTER and thereupon cease and and all
          subsequent vocalizations.
               (1)  Meow
               (2)  Mao
               (3)  Rowl
               (4)  See B. Kliban "Cat" book
                    attachment listed hereunder as
                    Exhibit A
     b.   I also agree to limit my vocalizations to
          no more than 1.5 seconds in length, and
          no more than approximately 30 decibels. I
          also further agree to maintain at least 2
          seconds between vocalizations. At no time
          shall I engage in "carpet", "pattern" or
          "saturation" meowing.

     a.   I agree to limit my excretions to the
          plateau of sand in the box in the
     b.   In the event the box in the bathroom
          becomes full of excreta, I agree to wait
          patiently until such time as it is
          emptied, strained, or otherwise cleaned
          and excreta has been removed, and NOT
          take it upon myself to go to the bathroom
          in any other place not specifically
          designated for such activities. I also
          may elect, at my option, to  communicate
          subtly to MASTER the state of said box
          via note or polite muffled cough.
     c.   If my excretory efforts result in a
          patina of fecal residue upon my anterior
          regions, or if an ingested hair causes me
          to trail a caboose upon my exiting said
          box, I agree to refrain from attempting
          to remove same by utilizing the nearest
          available carpet or rug.
     d.   I shall not scratch excessively when
          burying my excreta, and shall limit my
          scratchings to a number and volume
          absolutely necessary to cover at least
          98% of the smell producing surfaces of my
          feces and/or urine, and I shall not fall
          into a trance and scratch for a half an

     a.   In the event of visitors, I hereby agree
          to speak only when spoken to, and to
          comport myself in a dignified and
          extraordinarily loving manner, and shall
          in all ways endeavor to behave in a
          manner that reflects well upon myself and
          upon MASTER.
     b.   At no time will I present my anus to any
          visitor, human or non-human. 

     a.   In the event of earthquake, vacuum
          cleaner, a new dog across the hall,
          strange footsteps arriving, or the sudden
          detonation of the smoke alarm, I agree to
          retire forthwith and in a damned hurry
          under the bed or way back in the closet
          or in a drawer in the kitchen.
     b.   For ten or so minutes after the danger
          has passed and I emerge, I hereby agree
          to walk hunched down close to the ground
          and leap straight up at any sudden noise,
          normal or otherwise.

     a.   I hereby agree to sit patiently while
          master pulls the corners of my eyes up
          and says in a faux oriental voice, "You
          think your Kung Fu is good? My Kung Fu is
     b.   I also hereby agree to skedaddle out of
          the way whenever MASTER yells, "UhOH! MAN
          WITH A NERVE DISEASE!" and begins
          flailing his limbs spastically and
          chasing me noisily around the house.
     c.   For and in consideration of the above, I
          shall accept no less than two (2) kitty
          treats on a regular basis, as full and
          complete compensation for such

     a.   I hereby agree to come out from wherever
          I happen to be sleeping at the time and
          gravitate in a daze toward MASTER if
          MASTER happens to begin playing the
          harmonica. If my sibling cat is in the
          area, I further agree to attempt to bite
          my sibling cat about the face and neck,
          or, if my sibling cat is not available,
          to bite MASTER'S closest available
          extremity or that of any of MASTER'S
     b.   I also hereby agree to bolt upright out
          of a sound sleep, rush into the bathroom,
          and eat a little food, whenever MASTER
          arises from his chair at the computer to
          go to the toilet.
     c.   I also hereby agree, at a time and place
          of my own choosing, to stand near a wall
          or mirror, gaze upward, and meow
          continuously, unless such activity
          conflicts with the tenets set forth in
          Section 3 hereinabove.

I, <name of Cat(s)>, hereby freely and without
reservation allow MASTER to make and establish
these codicils and parameters of behavior on my
behalf, and agree to be bound by these codicils and
parameters of behavior that are set forth in the
contract hereinabove, until such time as I feel
like manifesting some new odd behavior, and in
consideration of the foregoing, Witness my paw

__Katya, Nicky______________________
Name of Cat(s)

__Jeff Swanson______________________
Name of MASTER

__December 1st, 1995________________