Article: 261801 of talk.bizarre
From: jvogel@math.rutgers.edu (jeff vogel)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Border's Music Interesting Experience
Date: 5 Dec 1995 00:04:41 -0500
Organization: Rutgers University LCSR
Lines: 45
Message-ID: <4a0jt9$l3b@math.rutgers.edu>
Status: O
X-Status: 

I was at the local Border's Books and Music earlier tonight. Browsing
the CD section, I found something that was just TOO COOL.

I'm not sure how many of you are lucky enough to have a Border's near
you. They're these mondo-huge bookstores, with mondo-huge music shops
attached, filled with all manner of esoteric and wonderful CDs. They
also have billions of these stations, where you can listen to sample
CDs with headphones.

The headphones are very good at the place I was at. Crystal clear sound,
so pure you CANNOT ignore it. It pierces every molecule of your brain, of
your DNA, of your very being.

One of the sample CDs was the complete musical works of William Shatner.
Recently released.

It featured Shakespeare readings by Mister Is-That-A-Toupee-Or-A-Colony-
Of-Sphagnum-Moss-I-Ask-Only-Out-Of-Curiosity himself, set to "dramatic"
music. One memorable passage ...

Shatner: "Hamlet was frustrated by his inability to act."
Me: "He's not the only one."

But that's just a digression, next to the true wonder of horror. The true
achievement of camp. The true Thing That Sucked. Because, you see, 
it had Shatner's truly awe-inspiring, mind-boggling, bowel-emptying
rendition of (oh, can I stand the horror) Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds.

I tried. Oh, how I tried. I put on those oh, too good speakers, and let it 
play, wanting to see how much I could stand. How tough I was.

I tried, and I failed. I got through the opening chorus. It was tough, but
I managed. But then Iron Bill's voice came on. I heard "Picture yourself .... 
... .. ...
on a boat ... on a river ... ..." And I ripped the headphones off. I just
couldn't take it. I honestly couldn't. I know he's last great hope of science
fiction, the man who brought Tekwar to the world, but I wasn't man
enough. My camp-limit was reached.

Hmm. Looking back on this, the fact that I wrote it makes me nerdier
than I had ever imagined.

- Jeff Vogel
Keeper of Exile