Article: 261977 of talk.bizarre
From: jvogel@math.rutgers.edu (jeff vogel)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.politics.scorched-earth
Subject: (FTS) Schoolhouse Rock - For the 90s
Date: 6 Dec 1995 13:48:39 -0500
Organization: Rutgers University LCSR
Lines: 73
Message-ID: <4a4oi7$boa@math.rutgers.edu>
Status: O
X-Status: 

(Yeah. I know this is late for Fail To Suck Day. I was releasing a 
computer game, and, therefore, busier than you were. Bite me.)

A modest proposal.

We all grew up watching the Schoolhouse Rock cartoons. All of us. Well,
almost all. But those who didn't are BAD PEOPLE. They should leave now,
in their shame and loserdom. The rest of us went through our formative
years singing those little ditties, taking their lessons deep into our
hearts, and, occasionally, conjuring up elaborate fantasies in which
we were the boy dropping trou and getting the shot in Interjections.

Ahem. But I digress.

The Schoolhouse Rocks are being shown again today, and causing as much
glee as they did before (except in the noun song, which depicts Chubby
Checker as white, but, again, I digress). But people, please! They are
old, and their popularity demands, absolutely COMMANDS to be followed
up. The canon must be expanded. The blood of the ignorant must again
be metaphorically poured into the street. 

This is why it is time for Schoolhouse Rock: The Next Generation. Here
are some topics that positively scream to be covered...

Meet The The: Of course, by now most types of word have been covered.
However, the grammer series can still be bolstered by an introduction
to our new pal, the The. He's a sprightly, happy, high-blood pressure,
type A sort of chap, who's always spinning and dodging and charging and
hurrying to keep up with all the wonderful places where he is used. In
the end, of course, his heart explodes like a thing of Jiffy Pop popcorn
left on the oven too long, and his son, The, takes over.

Getting Gnurled: The Grammar Rock series will also be expanded by inventing
a new class of word. Gnurl is now the new term for any noun that has been
turned into a verb and makes you want to punch anyone using it. The
short opens with someone saying he has to go 'network' and someone else
ripping his still beating heart out of his chest, Mortal Kombat (tm)
style. Some would say that this is a little excessive violence for 
children. My response: LOOK AROUND, D00D!!!

Ouch, My Doodle!: The Modern Issues Rock series begins with this wild
and wacky exploration of the modern realities of venereal disease. Soon
to be followed by Discharge Parade, and HIV, Get Out Of Me!.

Sly Sammy Schindler: Never before has the Holocaust been described in
so accesable a manner. Schindler's name must be changed, of course, both
for alliterative purposes and to avoid violating Spielberg's trademark.

Your Buddy Bill: Of course, animation is expensive. And where do we get 
our money? That's right! Corporate endorsements! And we all know what that
means, right kids? In this segment, lovable, caring father figure Bill
Gates describes, in song, his wonderful plan for your life. Also, Lolly's
gets an inventory tracking system running Windows '95, and it ACTUALLY
WORKS!!!

Spineless Trough-Suckers: A simple, realistic, bipartisan follow-up to
I'm Just A Bill. In it, bill gains a huge amount of weight, after rider after
rider is added. When he turns from an expansion of Head Start to a bill
gutting the Endangered Species Act, he slits his wrists, but nobody lets him 
die. That'll show him.

Well, hmmm. I was going to end this with an upbeat view of the future,
now that the 2-second attention span, violent, ignorant vermin into whose
hands we're placing the future can have more "education" spoon-fed to
them. But now that I look back and think about it, I think I'm going to
go kill myself instead. Nighty' night.

- Jeff Vogel
Scorched Earth Party