Article: 288551 of talk.bizarre
From: (Anthropohedron)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Has the poultry stopped screaming, Clarice?
Date: 30 Nov 1996 13:06:35 -0500
Organization: minimal at best
Lines: 69
Message-ID: <57pt3b$>
NNTP-Posting-User: gseidman

I received this from a friend and asked her permission to post it.
Normally I would not post work which is not my own, but I consider this
worth making an exception. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

--Anthropohedron (Emily)

Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 08:20:07 -0500 (CDT)
From: Emily
Subject: [insert mad giggle here]

Has the poultry stopped screaming, Clarice?

	Emily hopes you all had/are having/will have been having (I love
verb tenses!) enjoyable and spiritually profitable vacations. The voices
in Emily's head hope this too. The little creature who lives in her closet
hopes this too. Though she has not yet come to terms with the depth of her
feeling, or even of its existence, Emily's roommate hopes this too.

	It's cold and gray and windy and corny in America's heartland (I
consider Iowa more of a spleenland, mostly because I'll embrace any excuse
to use the word "spleen." That is one of the coolest nouns. Say it with
me: "spleen!") Though I regret being unable to see you all over this li'l
breakette, I am enjoying my bad midwest self (Are you hip to that scene,
daddy-o?) I've been awakening at dusk and falling asleep at dawn, an
exhilaratingly mixed-up schedule. My T-giving feast consisted of chicken
noodle soup, oatmeal, potato chips (on a PLATE, because it's a holiday),
and Twinkies, laid out on a coffee table covered with a picnic blanket and
decorated with a festive centerpiece made out of dead leaves (I am the
Martha Stewart of the midwest!) And, in addition to these other delightful
occurrances, my parents only called me FOUR TIMES on Thursday (including
one answering machine message featring my mother singing a rousing
rendition of the preschool favorite "The Turkey Ran Away").

	Thanksgiving is, in my humble, yet unassailably correct opinion, a
very tacky holiday. The dominant color is brown, hardy a party-time hue.
The menu alsmost invariably includes stuffing which, no matter how yummy
it may taste, is never attractive. Senile old men (who share genetic
material with you) sleep in front of football games and drool. There's
probably some damnably cute Charlie Brown special about turkey. Our
modern, technologically advanced, free-thinking society (ha) pays homage
to a group of religious fundamentalists who wore buckles on too many
articles of clothing.

[Grin] I love the holiday season; it's the best time of year for bitterness.

	I'm going to go buy more pomagranates. Then I'm going to write
naughty things on all of the message boards in my hall. Then I'm going to
check on my Sea Monkeys. Then I'm going to go to South Campus to see if
anybody has any mescaline (kidding). Then I'm going to sleep, perchance to
dream. Toodles, citizens.


By the way, could someone forward my warm, fuzzy Thanksgiving greeting to
those who did not receive it (hint: their last names will begin with
letters near the end of the alphabet). It's not that I'm lazy (though
that's true), it's just that the computernetworkprogramserverDreamsthingy
will only take a certain number of addresses at one time, and there's no
way in Iowa I'm writing that message over again.

By the other way, X-mas decorations have gone up in downtown Grinnell. The
most gaudily lit business establishment? Smith's Funeral Home. 'Tis the
season to be with loved ones, even those no longer among the living.
Special After-Christmas Sale Extravaganza for those who didn't survive
holiday depression! Free candy canes for the kids, come sit on Santa's
coffin!  I LOVE BEING EVIL!!!!!!!