Article: 288600 of talk.bizarre From: email@example.com (Ed Gaillard) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: plague of lap dogs Date: 1 Dec 1996 12:09:08 -0500 Organization: Miskatonic Springs Bottling Company Lines: 103 Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org> (A reading from the Book of Tritionomy, Chapter 5) 1 And the Philistines took the Ark of God and brought it to their place, and put it in their temple, 2 And the Lord considered what to do, and saw that the haemorrhoid trick* had gotten old, 3 So the Lord smote the Philistines with a plague of lap-dogs, and they _were_ sore afflicted. 4 Yea, with Pekes and Chihuahuas, with Pomeranians and Yorkies He visited them, 5 And with every furry annoying barksome flea-trap of every kind afflicted He them. 6 And the lap-dogs did yap at every passing _man_, and did bark incessantly _through_ the night, 7 Though verily there was nothing at all to bark at. And they did jump upon the passing stranger, and did lick him and drool over him, yapping all the while, 8 And their stools covered the streets of the city. Yea, the sidewalks thereof could not be safely walked, 9 And the gutters overflowed with filth, and everywhere was barking and yapping heard in the land. And the people did cry out, 10 "Stop with the yapping, ye curs! And away with your fawning and slobbering!" But the _dogs_ heeded them not, 11 And ceased not their barking nor their licking nor their crapping. And no peace had any of _them_ who dwelt in that accursed land. 12 The people went unto the high priest and said, "What can we _do_ to rid ourselves of this pestilence? 13 For these nasty little dogs annoy us; and yet they run too fast to catch. 14 Even when they run headlong into walls in their stupidity, and we might catch them, 15 The mutts are too scrawny to make a good meal. And they foul the streets with their filth and the air with their ceaseless yapping." 16 And the priest said to them, "I will go into the temple and ask of what should be done." And he went him into the temple, 17 But the dogs had broken in, and toppled there the idol, and crapped on it, 18 For the Lord hath an odd sense of humor. But the Ark of the Lord was untouched. 19 And the priest returned and said, "We must send the Ark of the God of Israel back, putting it into a cart and tying horses to the cart, whereof to pull it. 20 Send the cart off by itself and let it go, sending with it a trespass offering of golden dogs; 21 Then the Ark will find its way back to the people of Israel, and the dogs shall be removed from you." 22 The Philistines did these things, and Lo! The dogs did follow the cart bearing the Ark, 23 Down to the river they did follow _it_; snapping at the wheels of the cart they followed it; 24 But when the horses did turn aside to follow the river's course, the dogs plunged into the river, 25 For they were sore stupid, and the Lord knew that the Israelites wanted no such mutts anyway. 26 And the dogs _did_ drown, _all_ of them; and the people _did_ rejoice. Until they realized, 27 The accursed flea-traps had left the fleas behind, 28 And the people were sore afflicted. But still, they felt that it _was_ better than the horrid little dogs, 29 Until the Israelites came, having followed the horses' tracks, 30 And slew all the men of that town, who were too distracted by scratching fleas to fight well. (*as seen in I Samuel 5!) -ed g.