Article: 288600 of talk.bizarre
From: gaillard@panix.com (Ed Gaillard)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: plague of lap dogs
Date: 1 Dec 1996 12:09:08 -0500
Organization: Miskatonic Springs Bottling Company
Lines: 103
Message-ID: <57se3k$p29@panix.com>


(A reading from the Book of Tritionomy, Chapter 5)

1 And the Philistines took the Ark of God and brought it to
their place, and put it in their temple,

2 And the Lord considered what to do, and saw that the
haemorrhoid trick* had gotten old,

3 So the Lord smote the Philistines with a plague of
lap-dogs, and they _were_ sore afflicted.

4 Yea, with Pekes and Chihuahuas, with Pomeranians and
Yorkies He visited them,

5 And with every furry annoying barksome flea-trap of every
kind afflicted He them.

6 And the lap-dogs did yap at every passing _man_, and did
bark incessantly _through_ the night,

7 Though verily there was nothing at all to bark at.  And
they did jump upon the passing stranger, and did lick him
and drool over him, yapping all the while,

8 And their stools covered the streets of the city.  Yea,
the sidewalks thereof could not be safely walked,

9 And the gutters overflowed with filth, and everywhere was
barking and yapping heard in the land. And the people did
cry out,

10 "Stop with the yapping, ye curs!  And away with your
fawning and slobbering!"  But the _dogs_ heeded them not,

11 And ceased not their barking nor their licking nor their
crapping.  And no peace had any of _them_ who dwelt in that
accursed land.

12 The people went unto the high priest and said, "What can
we _do_ to rid ourselves of this pestilence?

13 For these nasty little dogs annoy us;  and yet they run
too fast to catch.

14 Even when they run headlong into walls in their
stupidity, and we might catch them,

15 The mutts are too scrawny to make a good meal.  And they
foul the streets with their filth and the air with their
ceaseless yapping."

16 And the priest said to them, "I will go into the temple
and ask of what should be done." And he went him into the
temple,

17 But the dogs had broken in, and toppled there the idol,
and crapped on it,

18 For the Lord hath an odd sense of humor.  But the Ark of
the Lord was untouched.

19 And the priest returned and said, "We must send the Ark
of the God of Israel back, putting it into a cart and
tying horses to the cart, whereof to pull it.

20 Send the cart off by itself and let it go, sending with
it a trespass offering of golden dogs;

21 Then the Ark will find its way back to the people of
Israel, and the dogs shall be removed from you."

22 The Philistines did these things, and Lo!  The dogs did
follow the cart bearing the Ark,

23 Down to the river they did follow _it_; snapping at the
wheels of the cart they followed it; 

24 But when the horses did turn aside to follow the river's
course, the dogs plunged into the river, 

25 For they were sore stupid, and the Lord knew that the
Israelites wanted no such mutts anyway.

26 And the dogs _did_ drown, _all_ of them;  and the people
_did_ rejoice.  Until they realized,

27 The accursed flea-traps had left the fleas behind,

28 And the people were sore afflicted.  But still, they
felt that it _was_ better than the horrid little dogs,

29 Until the Israelites came, having followed the horses'
tracks,

30 And slew all the men of that town, who were too
distracted by scratching fleas to fight well.


(*as seen in I Samuel 5!)


-ed g.