Article: 288620 of talk.bizarre
From: soren@lectura.cs.arizona.edu (Soren Ragsdale)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: cassandra
Date: 1 Dec 1996 20:25:22 GMT
Organization: Leprechauns for Zeus
Lines: 76
Message-ID: <57spji$gr8@hisatsinom.cs.arizona.edu>

"Hi, Tom?  Sure, yeah, it's me.  I've been expecting you.  Come sit
down."

"Y'know, it's refreshing to see that even in this era of 'synergistic
reporting', some places still print the good stuff.  Thanks for the
interview - I was hoping for maybe the Times, but anything helps
really."

"So I guess I should tell you how this got started, and how I got this
way.  Wasn't the conspiracy that most other people will say - Ron didn't
really have a choice.  Nancy was all into them psychics, tryin' to get
'em to channel Bonzo and all, and he probably put the money into the
program to get her to shut up about it.  Enough grad students were
wasting their money on 1-900 numbers that the pickins were good for an
interested research team."

"I bet you're hungry.  I'll order you some pancakes - they're great
here.

"I guess I should stop and tell you about myself for a second.  You ever
heard of Cassandra?  I guess it was a bad move to name the project after
her, but it made sense.  Even with the gizmos and the doodads it came
down to the same thing that she did - asking the gods for prophecy.  And
that's just what we did."

"Oops.  They're dropping your pancakes.  It'll probably be a few minutes
before they can fix some more."

"Anyway, the findings were pretty predictable in hindsight.  Psychic
energies behave pretty much like gravity and electric potentials.  The
effect of the future is inversely proportional square of its distance
from you, mitigated by some constant.  Some people might have big
constants, and some might have smaller constants, but it basically comes
down to what you've got.  Most people can feel faint inklings of what's
gonna happen, but the future's gotta be almost on top of 'em before it's
close enough for them to see.  Some people have higher constants and can
spot it from further away, but that's pretty rare."

"Charlie took off shortly after his tests were completed.  We never
heard much from him till we saw his mug on the news.  After two weeks of
luck on the strip they decided it was time to cut their losses, and
being able to predict which lake you're going to get dropped into is
precious little consolation for some people.  Of course his tests were
the best.  Sure, seeing a half hour into the future is nice, but apart
from gambling and seeing whether Seinfeld's going to be worthwhile to
watch, what can you do really?  It wasn't going to last.  If you can see
into the next thirty minutes, by the time the past gets here it's
absolutely blinding."

"Me?  Christ.  I'm a nervous wreck.  Wish I ended up like most of those
other people who found out that they couldn't see poot.  To quote Steven
Wright, I feel like I'm almost about to fall backwards off my chair all
the time.  I mean, seeing a few seconds into the future is nice.  None
of those problems associated with being a *real* psychic and all, and at
least I showed up as *something*.  Haven't spilled a thing since I left
the project, and I never miss a second of a show when I'm channel
surfing during a commercial break, but apart from that it's annoying.  I
know when my programs won't compile, but that doesn't help me fix the
damn things.  The most frustrating eight seconds in the world are the
ones between when you realize that you're going to run out of gas, and
when you actually do.  Specially around other people it's hard.  What
can you do?  Run up to 'em and warn them that their shoelaces are going
to come untied really soon?  Mention that a crazy driver is coming and
they should wait till the next light to cross?  If you're lucky they'll
just ignore you.  If you're not, you might find yourself with a face
full of angry ranting guy saying he doesn't like being told what to do.

"Cassandra asked for prophecy, and she got it, so long as no one
believed her.  Us, we all got a bit of it, but we can't actually _use_
it.  Most of the time I just wish I didn't know it every time a car was
gonna drive through a puddle and splash me.  Life is suspense, and
spoiling it is just like your know-it-all friend muttering whodunit in a
scary movie, ten seconds before it happens."

"Pancakes are up.  You're gonna love 'em."