Article: 288750 of talk.bizarre
From: Scott Ellis <>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Dear Professor PoMo
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 17:12:50 -0600
Organization: Blue Sky Community Networks of Manitoba Inc.
Lines: 87
Message-ID: <>

>From time to time, noted French academic Jacques Derrigeur, Henri Petain
Lecteur de POlitesse MOderne at the renowned Ecole de Bestialite
Polytechnique makes room in his busy schedule to answer queries on
manners for the nineties from his table at Cafe Vache Fou, Paris's
intellectual G-Spot:

Deer Perfesser PomO,

Round here, folks got a saying: "Shackoon ass on goo."  Thass cuz ol
Shackoon, he so goddam stubborn, he wone shift his butt nowheres, oncet its
parked.  Anyways, me, Shackoon n ol deGustibusnon S. Disputandem, a good ol
boy n scion of a fine Charleston family, we did what we do every year:
womped ourselves us up a mess of chicken-fried Hellbenders, Cottonmouth
Hushpuppies, Redbug Pie & Chickasaw Jump-for-Joy n went gator huntin in
the Okeefenokee with a shitload of frag grenades.  We had ourselves one
serious good time, Im tellin you.  Perty near everthang was a endangered
species by the time we left.  On my last day, I saw me the biggest ol bull
gator, just acroakin n bellerin away.  I was out of ammo, so I borrowed one
of Shackoons Bouncin Betties n cotched that sucker straight up the
esophagus.  Gator gumbo ever which way!  To top it off, turns out that ol
boy had swallowed a ol 45 record.  Not just any record, neither, but a rare
mint recording of George & Tammy singin duets from _die Fledermaus_. 
Anyway, that sucker Shackoon is sayin thass his disc, on account of it being
his ordnance.  Ifn he dont smarten up Im fixin to ruin his whole day with a
tactical nuke.  He keeps tellin me hes gonna make my trailer into Bhopal,
whutever that means.  So whose record is it, bein as youre a frog
ackadummy n know everythin?

Semper-Bob Fidelis
Fire Ant Hollow, GA

      Mon cher Semper-Bob,

      This brings to mind something one of your American academics and
      ethicists said on another topic completely: "The totalization is not a
      totalization in *width*, but in *depth*, by means of which the subject
      resists any temptation of being distracted from its own self.[1]" 
      Delivery systems are crucial--I'd opt for a Sidewinder missile.  Now,
      if you'll excuse me--Mon Dieu, look at the derriere on that busboy!  

Oi! Prof PO,

Mush, I'm well + trooly fooked.  Me mates all fink I'm a sodding wanker, cos I'm
dead keen on impressing yanks wiv me education.  And yanks all laugh at me,
cos I got nuffink to say.  Me slag's given me the heave-ho + some berk's
filled me loo wiv arf a ton of rotten leeks!  I need some relief!

Sputum-on-Butties, England

      Cher Loyddd,

      Ah, je m'excuse--you were saying again?  Oh, pffft, never mind...

dear professor pomo!
i'm at the end of my rope! my second husband's ex-wife's daughter, dharma
transcendance schwartzberg, is getting married to a darling young man, my
half-sister's (normandy, the one in the harem in utah) foster boy, joseph
smith foster dulles cabrini! things were going so well until dharmy's mother,
mamie-jayne diller, decided to immolate herself over a parking ticket! now
i've got to plan the whole thing myself, including getting the quints--geena,
treena, leena, deena and morag--all their bridesmaid dresses! entre nous,
they're hefty girls--i don't think there's that much chartreuse chiffon in
the world! joe's c of s ex-fiancee, dianetica clams casino, plans to show up
with a squadron of clear litigation specialists and sue everyone! and joe
has decided to come out as a tv and he & dharmy want the same dress! so do
you think the bridal registry should be floral or geometric?!
petula-lulu uggams!
cottonswab, nj

      Cher Mme. Uggams,

      "Les mots pourrissent a l'appel inconscient du cerveau, tous les mots
      pour n'importe quelle operation operation mentale, et surtout celles
      qui touchent aux ressortes les plus habituels, les plus actifs de
      l'esprit. [2]"  By the way, did you know my sister-in-law is a
      Wedgewood wholesaler?

[1] Paul de Man
[2] Antonin Artaud