From: kevbob.aLLsPaM@ecsis.net (kevbob)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Freedom
Date: Mon, 01 Dec 1997 18:08:21 -0500
Organization: the end of the beginning
Lines: 133
Message-ID: <kevbob.aLLsPaM-0112971808210001@annex1-23.ecsis.net>
X-newsreader: MT-NewsWatcher 2.2.2

it is pretty obvious to me know that you were never really all that you
wanted me to believe you were.  if i stand real far back, and try to brush
away the emotions that obscure my vision of the truth, the memories, the
hopes the aspirations, the respect,
i can see what you were doing.  barely.  maybe it is because i don't want
to see, believe that it was all a lie, a lie totally dependent on my
WANTING to believe in it.  you really didn't have to try to hard to make
it work, since i was the one doing all the work, putting all the effort
into it.

but then, that isn't surprising, since that sums up the relationship
pretty well.

now that i am more removed from the whole situation, now that time has
passed, and now that you are far away, both physically and emotionally, i
can look at the whole thing and laugh.  a little.  not enough.

it is funny.  it is funnier still, that i still think about you with
fondness, with respect, with longing.  maybe i will always have that empty
place inside that you slithered into.  hopefully, if i haven't been able
to fill it on my own, i have built up walls around it, strong enough, tall
enough, to keep out anyone else.

i'd really hate to go through that again.  not that there weren't good
times.  Milan, where you convinved me it was Really a Da Vinci.  Monaco,
i'll always shudder when i see a marble.  That little boat in Barbados,
the orphanage in Buenos Ares that was such a ripe investment, i could go
on and on.

but, there WERE good times, dammit.  whether you were a lie or not,
whether it was an oscar winning perfomance or not, whether or not YOU GAVE
A DAMN about me,

well, i thought it was true, so i guess, it must have BEEN real, no?  i
mean, i FELT happy, so wasn't I?  for all your scams, for all your
windmill tilting, for all the advantages you took of me,  i still had more
fun than i ever had in my entire life.  more than i will ever have,
probably, too.

no, that's a lie.  there is one thing that will be more fun.  and it keeps
me going, through these long and dreay days.

it really isn't that bad here.  sure, acclimatization was a bitch, as was
i for awhile, but after it became apparent that i could survive, after the
first couple of years, the others here began to respect me, a little, and
leave me to myself.  it's funny, these outcasts, these pariahs, their
respect means so much more to me now, than yours did.

i've almost gained most of their trust.  sometimes i go beyond my bounds,
and they let me know. i always wanted too much from people, didn't i?  but
still, i'm almost needed here.  it feels good to be needed, to be useful. 
hell, it feels good to be USED, when i'm aware that i AM being used.

still, it is very ironic, don't you think?  the thing that drove you away
so abruptly, is now going to bring us back together.  it always
disconcerted you, though you would never admit it, my ability.  "beginners
luck" you called it.  funny how it never ran out on me, like you did.  i
should tell you now, though i'm sure you still won't believe it, you
really had nothing to be afraid of.  i wasn't going to take over.  yes, i
was good, and i picked up things fast, but that didn't mean i was going to
get you out of the picture.  you were MORE than a tool, PEOPLE are more
than tools.  sure, you can use them, and they can use you.  i see that, i
never disagreed.  but you, you just couldn't see that people could be MORE
than a tool.  they have properties beyond their immediate usefulness.

but, the skills i did manage to pick up from you, the ability to see
people as tools, the awareness of this other world, the world on the
"wrong side of the tracks", it has allowed me to survive here.  to
THRIVE.  i learn something new everyday.

you would be amazed,and i'm betting shocked as well, the amount of
KNOWLEDGE pooled in a place like this.  they think that by corralling you
in a place like this, with others of your "kind" that you will see the
failure of the way in which you were living.

nope.  all it does is reinforce those traits that got you here in the
first place, and allow you access to others like you, with complementing
skills and experiences.

hehe. actually, it doesn't reinforce ALL your previous traits.  no, while
i've honed some of the knowledge i had before, and learned some new things
too (which i can't wait to show you), i've also managed to rid myself of
some of those traits that DID get me into this: pity, compassion, emotion,
and mercy.


i've also been able to pick up some practical skills as well.  there is an
excellent library, mostly technical.  the machine shop is gargantuan.  i
revel in this ability to CREATE things with my hands.  i don't know if
i'll be able to bring any of my creations with me, but don't fear, i'll
make some new ones to show you if i can't.

i've managed to rack up a LOT of degrees too: chemistry, electronics,
math(statistics and probabilty), biology (with a specialization in
toxicology), and computer science.  of course, those are only the programs
of study i finished.  it's not like i lack time, and i've kept myself busy
reading off-subject matters as well.  there are some ideas i've picked up
that i'd REALLY like to get your opinion on.

ah, now to the GOOD news!!

the board has been so impressed by my hard work and new found respect for
the laws of man and god, that i'll be going on a work release reall
soon.   i can't wait to renew our relationship, but i hope this time it
will be more honest, more open. i really hope there will be more give and
take this time.

anyway, i haven't quite gotten all my plans together yet.  if there is ONE
thing i leanred from you, it was spontaneity, after all.  so, i can't give
you an ddress or phone number, nor a date i'll be out, yet.

but don't worry, i'll track you down!  i've made some contacts here that
are very good at finding people.  and anyway, what with the postal system
and all (that reminds me.  never worry about the homicidal tendencies of
postal workers.  those are anomolies i've found out.  no, after speaking
with some of the Post office's best here, i've learned that the real
problem is their ineffiency.  that's what finally makes them snap)

anyway, what with the efficiency of the postal system, i'll probably be
giving a knock on your door by the time you even RECEIVE this letter.  i
do hope, though, that it isn't THAT late.  i don't want to surprise you, i
remember how much you hate surprises.

in fact, maybe if you get this soon enough, you'll be able to set up a
party or something for my return!  i know i'll be in a celebrating mood!

hope to see you real soon,

an old friend.

-- 
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non solum anima sed etiam deo careo. -rkb