From: "D. Vacca" <>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Sociological Roadtrip (Acts I & II)
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 01:54:36 -0500
Organization: All USENET --
Lines: 123
Message-ID: <>
To: David Vacca <>

ACT I: In front of Brad's apartment.

(BRAD, with friends DAVE, KAM, and EVIL BRAD, are looking at a 1990 Ford

BRAD: Here we have My New Car.

DAVE: Really?

KAM: How do we know he's not bluffing?

EVIL BRAD: Well, it looks like a car.

DAVE: Four wheels, 'HFS bumper sticker, shock damage from potholes...

EVIL BRAD: ...cop tires, cop shocks, made before catalytic converters...

DAVE: Prohibitively taxed throughout the metro region, festooned with
parking tickets...

BRAD (opening door): Fuzzy dice.

DAVE: Very nice.

KAM: I don't buy it.  It's a clever mock-up.

BRAD: What would I have to do to convince you otherwise?

KAM: Car-type stuff.

EVIL BRAD: Run over some pedestrians, Brad.

(BRAD gets behind the wheel of The New Car)

DAVE: Uh, guys, you notice, we're standing here?

KAM: Well, yeah.

DAVE: As such, we could be considered pedestrians.  If he's not bluffing,
we're gonna be taking Berlitz lessons in the language of pain.

KAM: Hey, Brad!

BRAD: Yes?

KAM: On second thought, I think something more specific than "car-type
stuff" will be required to convince ever-cynical me.

DAVE: Good call.

BRAD: Then what?

KAM: What else do people do with cars?

DAVE: Like any of us would know.  We're urban pioneers, hip...

EVIL BRAD: ...poor...

DAVE: ...sophisticated...

EVIL BRAD: ...snotty...


EVIL BRAD: ...poor AND snotty...

DAVE: ...young people.  Until now, we just didn't *do* cars.  That's
suburbanite thinking.

KAM: Hey...  I've got it.

BRAD: What?


- - - - - - - - - - - -

ACT II: Inside a 1990 Ford Taurus.

(BRAD is driving.  EVIL BRAD has radio duty.  KAM has the map.  DAVE has
the all-important job of kibbitzing all of the above tasks.)

KAM: Fascinating, Captain.  The Suburbanites are not attacking.

BRAD: Says you!  (BRAD jerks the wheel sharply to the right).  HEY, MORON!
Go to some planet where you're familiar with the local laws of physics!

KAM: I suggest we open hailing frequencies.

BRAD: So!  You think we may!  Be able!  To!  Talk to!  Virginians?

EVIL BRAD: Just use small words, sir.

BRAD: More Chumbawumba, Scotty!  I need!  More!  Chumbawumba!

EVIL BRAD: I'm spinning the dials as fast as I can, Keptin.  But the local
stations canna play "Tubthumping" any faster than once every four minutes!

DAVE: Stop the car.  I'm walking.

KAM: Walking?  We don't even know where we're going yet.

DAVE: Mama didn't raise me to suffer through Star Trek.

KAM: Even Deep Space 9?

DAVE: I'll admit, that's a better question.

BRAD: The question is moot!  Our destination is in sight!

EVIL BRAD: Where we going?

BRAD: Behold!

DAVE, KAM, and EVIL BRAD: Oooooohhhhh...

David Vacca, frightened of this thing that I've become.