From: "D. Vacca" <email@example.com> Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: Sociological Roadtrip (Acts III & IV) Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 02:37:45 -0500 Organization: All USENET -- http://www.Supernews.com Lines: 147 Message-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.971202015451.24429Bfirstname.lastname@example.org> To: David Vacca <email@example.com> ACT III: Suburban Virginia, inside an IHOP. (DAVE, BRAD, KAM, and EVIL BRAD enter, in that order. A concealed Muzak system is playing a surprisingly peppy selection for Muzak, "K-Tel's Greatest Hits of the Disco Era." DAVE and BRAD practice their 70s struts and poses. KAM looks at DAVE and BRAD as if they are geeks. EVIL BRAD practices his enigmatic look.) HOSTESS: Four? BRAD: Four. DAVE: Fo-o-o-o-o-ur. BRAD: If you can dig it. HOSTESS: Excuse me? KAM: They're just being dumb. (EVIL BRAD looks enigmatic.) HOSTESS: Right this way, please. DAVE: Hey! It's DAVE MASON! BRAD: Woo! (EVIL BRAD looks enigmatic) HOSTESS: Will this do? KAM: It's fine, thanks. BRAD: Hey, DAVE MASON! Play "FREEBIRD!" KAM: Brad, if you're going to luxuriate in precious, ironic appreciation of seventies junk culture, at least get the details right. DAVE: Yeah, K.C. AND THE SUNSHINE BAND did "Freebird!" BRAD: Really, what did DAVE MASON do? DAVE: He invented a line of canning supplies. KAM: You guys are such geeks. I can't take you anywhere. DAVE: Hey, Kam! (DAVE does the Starfleet Academy salute. KAM returns it rapid-fire.) I rest my case. BRAD: Besides, I took you here, not the other way round. KAM: Settle this, Evil. What's geekier- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, or yelling random, wrong, details about cheesy seventies music in an IHOP? (EVIL BRAD looks enigmatic.) - - - - - - - - - - ACT IV: Still in the IHOP. (DAVE, KAM, EVIL BRAD and BRAD are seated around the table, in that order going clockwise. DAVE and BRAD have corned beef hash omelettes, KAM has a cheese omelette with a side of hash browns, and EVIL BRAD has something called "chicken-fried chicken," with a side of onion soup.) KAM: About us, we see the natives. The goal of our project, for which we received a helluva grant, is to determine in what way the lack of mass transit has affected their primitive culture. EVIL BRAD: I thought anthropologists thought the word "primitive" was too judgmental. KAM: Bite me. EVIL BRAD: I've still got food. Ask Dave or Brad, all they have is corned beef hash. DAVE: I thought it was okay to say a culture was primitive if you qualify it by stating how much it has to teach us. EVIL BRAD: Dave, this is Virginia. What could they possibly teach us? DAVE: What to do with a car? EVIL BRAD: But they're not doing anything new. They're just going shopping and getting something to eat. We do that, and we don't have to live in Virginia. BRAD: Give them credit. This is a very nice IHOP. DAVE: Great soundtrack. BRAD and DAVE: I! I will survive! KAM: I wouldn't count on it if you don't knock it off with the disco. We're here to figure out what to do with our car. BRAD: Our car? MY car. My New Car. KAM: Whatever. Ah, here's our chance. Miss? (SULLEN TEENAGED GIRL FROM VIRGINIA stops at the table, staring suspiciously.) SULLEN TEENAGED GIRL FROM VIRGINIA: Yeah? KAM: Do you have a car? SULLEN TEENAGED GIRL FROM VIRGINIA: Yeah. Why? KAM: What do you do with it? SULLEN TEENAGED GIRL FROM VIRGINIA: I dunno. Hang out, you know, and do stuff. KAM: Hang out and do stuff? SULLEN TEENAGED GIRL FROM VIRGINIA: Yeah. KAM: Thank you, miss. You've been very helpful. (SULLEN TEENAGED GIRL FROM VIRGINIA looks at KAM, BRAD, DAVE, and EVIL BRAD as if they're a bunch of weirdos, then returns to her own booth.) KAM: What a RIP! "Hang out and do stuff?" We do that, without paying for gasoline, and are a lot better spoken about it too. BRAD: And we're better dressed too. Have you seen a single black t-shirt here, other than on us? DAVE: We have seen enough! They have not found a colorful native use for the automobile. It falls to us to discover one! KAM: Good idea. Let's get out of here. EVIL BRAD: I'm still eating. And Dave and Brad still have corned beef hash. KAM: I need a drink. --- David Vacca, frightened of this thing that I've become.