From: Ace Lightning <>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: FTSD: a fairytale, of sorts
Date: Tue, 01 Dec 1998 00:25:33 -0500
Organization: Monmouth Internet
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once upon a time, there was a stereotypical fairytale
witch who lived next to a swamp. she was stereotypical
in all but one regard: she had a rather twisted sense
of humor, and she enjoyed nothing so much as working
stereotypical fairytale spells backwards.

since she lived by a swamp, she had no shortage of frogs 
to work with. she chose an especially likely-looking 
specimen, waved her wand widdershins, and spoke the 
magic spell "sal-a-ma-goola, men-chik-a-boola!"

the frog obligingly transformed into a stereotypical
handsome prince, wearing white satin medieval garb
and a genuine gold crown tastefully studded with
rubies. he bore a faint resemblance to Leonardo
DiCaprio. "ribbit!" he remarked.

with a sigh, the witch made a few more magical
passes with her wand. working spells backwards
was a bit more complicated than forwards.

"where am i? *who* am i?" the frog-prince asked
stereotypically. the witch patiently explained.
he was pretty quick on the uptake, for a frog.
"i'll need a name," he said. "i name thee -
Prince Maximillian!" she said. (yes, she spelled
it with two l's.)

she explained to Maximillian how her spell worked.
he would stay a handsome prince, with all the
benefits of the job, unless he happened to be
kissed by an ugly woman. since he was extremely
handsome even by handsome-prince standards,
she pointed out, he was in very little danger of
this happening to him.

Maximillian immediately took to the joys of being
a handsome prince. he squired one beautiful
princess after another to formal balls, genteel
hunting parties, bar mitzvahs, and every other
social event where a handsome prince would be
welcome. none of the beautiful princesses ever
complained about his tendency to catch flies
with his tongue...

he might have gone on this way, happily enjoying
the company of beautiful princesses, until he
began to age and lose his own good looks. however,
one of the princesses invited him to a masquerade
ball. her stereotypically ugly stepsister had
fallen madly in love with the prince, although
he prudently avoided having anything to do with her.
at the masquerade, the stepsister's ugliness was
conveniently concealed by her mask (she was 
costumed as Naomi Campbell). when the prince
stepped away from his beautiful princess to get
them each another cup of punch, the ugly stepsister
seized her opportunity. she grabbed him in a
headlock, lifted his mask and hers, and snogged
him hard enough to suck his shoes up through
his nose.

predictably, he turned back into a frog. the
ugly stepsister fainted dead away from the
shock, and was dragged off by a couple of
convenient servants. she recovered, but 
she suffered from a deep phobia of amphibians
for the rest of her life. the beautiful
princess, figuring she'd been stood up, consoled
herself with another masked young man, who
turned out to be her cousin Stella in reverse

and none of the guests wanted any more punch,
after they found the frog in the punchbowl.

(story inspired by Maximillian Malreaver, who 
is in no danger of ever turning into a frog.)