From: "jane horvath" <>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: phrases that will never catch on
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 04:04:55 -0500
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 in the course of a day, i encounter many irritating people who attempt to
include me in some sort of trivial conversation. topics of such very small
talk may include the weather, bill *yawn* clinton, or a sundry of
politically correct issues. whenever trapped in such a situation, i refer to
my reserve of uncomfortable-silence-inducing catchphrases. a carefully
selected phrase, uttered emphatically and out of context, can create a
sufficient diversion to end any unwanted chatter.
 during a recent search for x-mas gifts, i happened upon an overly-cheerful
clerk at a toiletries boutique.  the bottle-blonde boy must have taken my
nonchalant browsing amidst the loofahs and pumice as a cry for help because
he approached me immediately. "can i help you find anything?" he pondered,
staring lustfully at my exposed navel. "no, just looking," i sneered,
tugging at my waistband to cover the half-inch of bare midriff.
 finding my answer unsuitable, the clerk proceeded to follow me around the
shop, offering pamphlets and coupons with each step. "our store wants to
help the rainforest," he chimed, "a portion of all sales goes to many
important causes...we even protest animal testing!" at this point, i
realized a catchphrase was imminent, so i placed my hands on the boy's
shoulders and whispered seductively, "dead monkeys can't throw poop."  the
once-perky salesboy let out a whimper and quickly retreated.
 meaningless conversation is not limited to those who work on commission.
during an accidental visit to the full-serve pump at the gas station,  i was
greeted by a stoic, jumpsuit-clad gentleman. forfeiting my usual self-serve
pump, i requested a full tank of the least expensive fuel. the
straight-faced man obliged, initiating a trite conversation while filling my
tank. "how 'bout the weather? i think it's kinda nice out for this time of
year," he rambled,"might not even turn on the heat  tonight." i nodded in
agreement while he rattled on about this and that. "too bad it's kind of
damp. something doesn't smells right," he continued. i smiled and
announced,"it's not my vagina..she smells spring fresh all day." the man
shook his head in disbelief and carried out the remainder of the transaction
in silence.
  another uncomfortable situation arose when i attempted to terminate my aol
membership before the free trial period had ended. the random customer
service representative that i contacted simply could not understand why i
would choose any provider other than her employer.
before agreeing to close my account, she proceeded to extol the virtues of
aol, periodically questioning my sanity. "bk..bk..bk..," i began while she
plodded through her scripted spiel."bk..bk..bk..bk..bk..," i continued, a
bit louder this time. the drone paused mid-script to ask what i had said.
"," i replied with my very best
annoyed chicken imitation. she hung up; i assume my membership has since
been terminated.