From: "d. page" <>
Subject: FTS: Doommagnet
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Organization: TBFC
X-No-Archive: yes
User-Agent: tin/pre-1.4-980818 ("Laura") (UNIX) (FreeBSD/2.2.7-RELEASE (i386))
Lines: 52
Message-ID: <8v192.61$>
Date: Wed, 02 Dec 1998 02:21:56 GMT
X-Trace: 912565316 (Tue, 01 Dec 1998 19:21:56 MST)
NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 01 Dec 1998 19:21:56 MST

My ferret whispered in my ear one night.  "Doommagnet doommagnet," it
shushed in that unmistakable voice.  I laid very still and tried to get
back to sleep, if only to make the time pass faster.  I find that sleep
makes the frustration go away for a little while now that the alcohol is
out of sight, out of mind.

In the morning I went to work and sat in at the group hate meeting.  
There were two empty cans of mountain dew in an ex-co-worker's
nearly-empty trashcan, and they had decided I must be blamed for this.  
"Fucking whiner!" they screamed.  "Can't you just give your candy away?"  
If I didn't like it, then I could leave, so II waited until they were all
gone to catch the snakes on the floor and release them outside.  One of
the friendly reptiles commented that my boss hated my sandals.  "She never
said anything to me about it!" I cried, but they just slither-hissed away
into the grass.

I went back to my cubicle to find the cat was sick.  I had to keep it in
the drawer to give it a chance to rest and get better.  The cat hated me
and whispered up through a crack in the desk, "Doommagnet doommagnet".  I
concentrated on doing nothing all day, attempting to confuse my watchers.

I toured a refuge on the way home, where they told me they couldn't answer
any of my questions until I had them arrested by the Lawmen.  I tipped
them each five dollars and took a cereal bowl to drop on the walkway
outside.  That seemed enough at the time, but a bunch of people at sent me email, telling me it was all
my fault.  "Doommagnet doommagnet!" one of them accused.  I couldn't deny
it so I drove off in my car.  I had to replace most of the car part by
part on the way home, but that was okay because I couldn't afford it

A man in a white pickup truck cooked me dinner when I got home and then
tore up my home.  Someone had paid him to, he explained as he took a claw
hammer to the windows.  I ignored him and went to my room, where I found
out someone had uninstalled all of my useful software.  Giving up, I read
cancelled comic books until they were all gone.

And then Fail to Suck day came around as I sat there and I was completely
unprepared. "Doommagnet doommagnet" they laughed at me on Nerdsholm and
this time I could only nod my head dumbly, if only because I was.


The large and potentially dangerous polygonal mirror wheel:
d. Page                    |           |