From: jwgh@earthlink.net (Jacob Haller)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: FTSD: deflatable protection
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 22:48:59 -0500
X-ELN-Insert-Date: Tue Dec  1 19:55:12 1998
X-Newsreader: MacSOUP 2.3.3
Organization: EarthLink Network, Inc.
X-Posted-Path-Was: jwgh
Lines: 42
X-ELN-Date: 2 Dec 1998 03:49:03 GMT
Message-ID: <1djdqv3.1yx7shsz50z5eN@1cust80.tnt35.nyc3.da.uu.net>

On my flight back to New York I looked through the "SkyMall" magazine
that they had on the plane and ultimately decided to steal it so I could
share some of the items with you-all. 

One of the more interesting items was what they described as a
"life-size, simulated male". From the picture it looks kinda like Don
Johnson from his Miami Vice days. You're supposed to use it/him to scare
off potential carjackers or burglars, apparently; I guess the idea is
that if you can intimidate Don Johnson into sitting completely still you
must be a force to be reckoned with. 

Are there any advantages to having a simulated male instead of a real
one? The ad copy doesn't really go into the issue, but reading between
the lines one can see a few advantages: 

1.  The simulated male has a positionable latex head and hands. I don't
know that real men can be described in this way. 

2.  The s.m. is made of the highest-quality PVC vinyl. I speculate that
this implies that perhaps normal mens' ingredients are not of the
highest quality. 

3.  The s.m. can be dressed according to your own personal style. 'Nuff
said. 

4.  "When not keeping vigil over your well being, deflate, store and
transport him inconspicuously in the optional tote bag." That is, you
only have to deal with him when you need him for something; at other
times he can be kept out of the way, and you only have to worry about
storage space (he requires much less storage space than a real man, too,
weighing only 7 pounds and fitting into a large duffel bag). 

5.  The s.m. "comes with a repair patch". While real men have the
advantage of the self-healing apparatus evolution has equipped us with,
it's probably messier and slower than slapping a repair patch on. 

-jwgh 
-- 
"If Americans treated dead people the way they treat dead computers, 
their basements and closets would be cluttered with family corpses."
  --Carey Goldberg, 
      "Where Do Computers Go When They Die", New York Times 3/12/98