From: David Pacheco <>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Bender's First Horror Story
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 14:21:55 -0000
Organization: NO CARRIER
Message-ID: <>
X-Trace: 944058005 LGTBT6QCL1799D48CC
X-Newsreader: MicroPlanet Gravity v2.20.1575
Lines: 111

John Smith was driving down the road at night when suddnely!  The 
car stopped!  And it wouldn't go no more!  So John Smith said to his 
wife that was in the car "wait here and I will go and get help."  
And John Smith's wife said "OK".

So there was a light up in the distance so John Smith walked towards 
it.  And all around there was dark forest, and it was scary!  But 
John Smith was not scared!  Ha!  Ha! he said, "Im not scared"!

Finally, he got to the light in the distance.  It was a house that 
looked very scary and dark, with lots of old castle-like things on 
the walls and some gargoyles.  There was only one light, far far up 
in one of the towers.

John Smith knocked at the door.  "Hello!" he cried, but no body 
answered.  "Hello!" he cried again, but still there was no body 
answering.  He used the door knocker but it was covered in something 
very slimy and John Smith didn't want to touch it any more.  But 
when John Smith touched the knocker, the door fell open with a giant 
creak!  All by itself!

John Smith said "oh, that's strange, I wonder why the door was 
unlocked" and then he walked in to the dark house.  "Hello" he said 
again, for the third time in two paragraphs, in spite of the 
previous lack of success for saying "Hello!".  But still that didn't 
stop him, because he was being very polite.

Back in the car John Smith's wife was afraid because it was so dark 
outside, and she kept seeing strange shadows in the pitch black 
forest.  She turned on the radio and sang a song, because she was so 
afraid.  "Oh where is my husband John Smith?" she said, because that 
was the name of the song.

And suddnely!  She thought she heard a voice from the outside of the 
car that said "He's NEVER coming back!"  And John Smith's wife 
screamed and ran towards the house where John Smith had gone!

And John Smith was still inside the house saying "Hello!" and 
looking for the peoples that lives in the house.  And he walked up 
the giant staircase, and when he got to the top he could go left or 
he could go right and he said "Hmmm.  I wonder which way I should 
go?"  Then finally he decided to go right at the last minute, when 
suddnely the whole staircase collapsed behind him just as he turned 
the corner to go right!  "Boy, that was lucky?" he said!

So John Smith came to a door that had a picture of a skeleton on it, 
and it was very scary.  "I'd better not go in there, because there 
might be something very bad in there!" said John Smith.  But the 
ghosts inside the room heard him and said "we'll never get him in 
here to scare him if he is scared by the pictures on the door" so 
they changed the picture to a bunny rabbit with epilepsy.

"Oh!" said John Smith. "Poor bunny rabbit!  I will go inside the 
room to see if the rabbit needs emergency medical treatment for its 
epilepsy."  And so he did.  He walked into the room, which was pitch 
dark, just like the rest of the house.  "Hello!" he cried, believing 
that repetition would eventually get him somewhere.  "Is there 
anybody here?"

Suddnely!  The lights came on and John Smith saw he was in a room 
covered in GHOSTS!  And they went up to John Smith and shouted 
"BOO!" and tickled his fancy!  But John Smith was not scared at all, 
because he did not believe in ghosts at all!  So the ghosts all left 
the room and said "How can we scare him if he doesn't believe in 

Then John Smith went to a door with a picture of a lamprey playing 
baccarat.  "Hmm, I would like very much a quick game of baccarat to 
take my mind off this scary house, because I am scared it might have 
a vampire in it."  The ghosts who were planning scary things heard 
this and said "we know a vampire!  there lives one here!"  So they 
called up the vampire, who's name was Fred the Vampire, and made him 
go to the room with the lamprey playing baccarat and sit down at the 
table, but with his vampire things hidden so John Smith would think 
he was a normal human been.

John Smith liked playing baccarat, but the lamprey was playing 
baccarat banque against the house, so all John could do was bet on 
the lamprey's cards.  And the lamprey kept losing!  So finally Fred 
the Vampire said would you like to play chemin de fer?  And John 
Smith said "of course!" and so they played for a while and John kept 
losing to the lamprey!  And then finally one time John won and said 
"Ha!  I won!" and then Fred the Vampire said "No, John Smith, I 
WIN!" and he took off his mask and he was a vampire!

And John Smith was so scared and he ran out of the room and down the 
staircase and out the door and standing there at the front door was 
his wife who was screaming too!  And John Smith said what is the 
matter? and John Smith's wife said look in the mirror!  And so John 
Smith loked in the mirror and realized that from the shock his teeth 
had turned completely white!  

So John Smith and John Smith's wife ran out of the house and got 
into the car and drove away as quickly as they could and didn't 
stop!  Until they reached a gas station up in the distance and they 
stopped and got out of the car and went up to the gas station 
persons and said "we are so scared!  We just came out of the scary 
dark house down the road!

And the gas station persons said "Oh, that old house?  That's the 
Old Evil Mr. Johnson house."

And John Smith said "when did he die?" and the gas station persons 
said "oh no, he still lives there but now he thinks he's a VAMPIRE!"