From: "Andrew Solberg" <>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: [FTSD+1] College Studying Wisdom
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 22:43:43 -0600
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1. Drink heavily.  Remember, college isn't about good grades or
   learning.  It's about finding new and different exciting ways to
   lose track of your own gourd.  Try to barf at least once in class.

2. Sleep in late.  Look, you're a growing boy or girl, and you need your
   rest.  Nothing is quite so damaging to your constitution as those
   pesky morning classes -- don't go!  Catch as many Z's as possible in
   the AM, allowing more time for your important PM frolics -- see note
   1. above.

3. Play a lot of bridge.  Oh, sure, you'll never do another lick of
   homework in your life -- but you'll be sharpening your mind's
   analytic skills for later in life, when you'll need to think for a
   It's all about assigning priorities; follow your conscience.  In the
   event of a hung jury, go with the id.

4. Ignore your profs.  These bozos could be turning six figures at any
   large consulting firm of their choice.  Instead, they're droning on
   over indecipherable blackboard scrawls at unreasonable hours of the
   morning.  Ask yourself: what can these people teach me? do I really
   want to be more like them?

5. Notes are for poofters.  Listen, brainiac, if you want to be a
   stenographer go to court reporting school.  College is for winners.

6. Cheat.  This is important.  Most people look at assignments as
   just another paper or just another problem set with no significance
   beyond the immediate grade.  How wrong they are!  Take every
   opportunity you are given to sharpen your skills at cribbing,
   peeking, copying and plagiarism.  They are tools that will help
   you, not only during school, but all the way through your life.

7. Enjoy.  You have taken on the awesome responsibility of your own
   education.  YOU must decide: will you squander this opportunity
   on learning and self-improvement? or will you seize the day and
   make the most of your last, best chance to screw around 24/7
   before you are dragged away, kicking and screaming, to work for
   The Man?  It's a hard decision for a young person to make, but
   I know you'll make the right call.  Just remember that the high
   road looks awfully virtuous, but it really is just damned high,
   and I hear there's a stand along the low road that gives out
   free Dove bars.

In summary, studying is not just another tool of successful
students; it is a rigorous discipline that goal-oriented persons
use to make their way of life conform to a program of information
assimilation.  It should therefore be avoided at all costs, just
as one would reasonably shun Moonies at the airport.  If you want
to be another limp-wristed study-buddy that's your own lookout;
me, I'll take another pitcher of Beck's.  Prosit!

hire me as your matriculation speaker