From: (Laurence Doering)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: FTSD: Ratt's Recipe Corner, take 2
Organization: Kraft durch Spargelkohl
Lines: 85
Message-ID: <909i65$>
Date: 1 Dec 2000 20:10:29 -0500
X-Trace: 975719444 (Fri, 01 Dec 2000 20:10:44 EST)
NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 20:10:44 EST

          Grilled Pork Chops with Bourbon-Mustard Glaze
                    Jalapeno Corn Muffins

You can serve this with coleslaw or salad or something.  Green 
vegetables are important, because having scurvy really sucks,
believe me.

The pork chops:

    2/3 cup bottled chili sauce
    1/2 cup bourbon
    3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
    3 tablespoons soy sauce
    8 thin-cut pork rib chops (1/4 to 1/3 inch thick)

The corn muffins:

    One box Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix
    3 fresh jalapeno peppers

1.  Get Larry to drag his lazy butt out into the backyard and light the grill.
    This may take a while, 'cause he doesn't believe in any of that newfangled
    candy-ass gas grill bullshit.  Keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't
    set fire to the neighbor's wood fence by mistake.  Have a fire extinguisher

2.  The choice of bourbon is key in this next step.  Cheap stuff will work
    just fine on the pork chops, but you can impress the hell out of whoever 
    happens to be watching if you use real top shelf bourbon like Kentucky 
    Gentleman or Old Grand-Dad and if they're really easily impressed,
    I guess.  Take a couple of swigs out of the bottle while you're
    digging around under the counter trying to find a medium saucepan.
    If you don't like bourbon much (like me), drink a couple of shots of
    tequila instead.  Find the saucepan and scrape your knuckles on the
    cheese grater trying to get it out of the cupboard.  Ow.  Ow!  Fuck!  
    Have another shot to console yourself.  

3.  Mix the chili sauce, bourbon, mustard, and soy sauce.  Put the saucepan 
    over medium heat and simmer for a while, whisking occasionally.  
    If you're not one of those people who has too much time on their hands
    and tries to fill the empty void that is their pitiful little life by
    going out and buying tons of esoteric cooking tools they'll only use
    once every couple of years, stir it up every so often with a fork or
    something.  Add several squirts of Sriracha hot chili sauce (you know,
    the Vietnamese stuff with the rooster on the label.  It's in the cupboard
    over the stove.)  Simmer until the sauce gets thick enough to coat a spoon.
    It says here it should take 4 minutes, but they're lying, the bastards. 
    Fifteen or twenty is about right.  It'll be a kind of disgusting
    reddish-brown color, but it smells pretty good.  Don't let Suicide drink
    the sauce.  He will try.

4.  Lay the pork chops out and sprinkle both sides with salt and pepper.
    Brush one side of chops with sauce.  Take them outside and make sure
    that a) the coals are ready, medium-high heat; and b) that Larry hasn't
    left any little surprises in there, like Black Cat firecrackers or an old
    butane lighter or something.  Put the chops on the grill, sauce side down,
    and brush sauce on the top part thingies.  You know what I mean.  

5.  Turn the chops once or twice, or don't.  Whatever.  If you do, brush more
    sauce on them.  Grill until cooked through.  Thin pork chops take about
    3 minutes per side, but we always wind up getting thicker ones and 
    winging it.  If it's still pink in the middle, it's not done yet.  Don't
    let Larr or Suicide put their cigarette butts in the grill until the pork
    chops are off of it.

6.  Make the corn muffins from the recipe on the back of the box.  You'll
    probably need an egg and some milk, too.  I forget.  It says on the box,
    though.  Wait, something else.  Chop up the jalapenos really fine and mix 
    them into the batter *before* you bake the muffins.  Use those cutesy 
    little paper baking cups unless you really really like greasing muffin 
    pans, you disgusting pervert, you.

7.  If you're one of those annoying hot food snobs, you can substitute 
    habaneros or Jamaican chocolate scorpion peppers or whatever, but 
    you'd be stupid, because fresh jalapenos are like little tasty bits of 
    green pepper with a subtle hot bite after the muffins are baked, and 
    they're really good.  Ultra-hot peppers would make this into some 
    kind of idiot stunt food you'd only serve if you wanted to be able to 
    jeer at the people who were smart enough not to eat it, and call them
    sniveling capsaicin weenies.  Whew.  Anybody need another drink?

Makes 4 servings.  Shut up and eat.