Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: FTSD2000 - $1T++: I see a great need Reply-To: firstname.lastname@example.org (Kent Paul Dolan) Organization: Birthright Party "The birthright of humankind is the stars!" From: email@example.com (Kent Paul Dolan) Lines: 195 Message-ID: <uX1W5.2401$6V5.firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: Sat, 02 Dec 2000 07:57:14 GMT X-Complaints-To: email@example.com X-Trace: news.wenet.net 975743834 22.214.171.124 (Fri, 01 Dec 2000 23:57:14 PST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 23:57:14 PST X-Received-Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 23:57:07 PST (newsfeed.avtel.net) Aside: Funny. Mostly people describe my postings as: funny that he should waste his time and our patience writing that. Quant suf. This is supposed to be funny that other way, as in making you laugh. If it doesn't, be really, really careful before picking a party to whom to assign the blame. Heehaw dolts who laugh at their own jokes unaccompanied and humorless gits who never get the joke while everyone around is rolling on the floor in stitches and acute pain are equally real parts of our shared universe. Too bad the continuum between seems to have been carried away in a major meteor strike about the advent of homo habilis. The chimps and bonobos know how to laugh when something is funny. Maybe that's what Jane Goodall was really trying to learn from studying the great apes: what a sense of humor was, and why humans seem to lack any evidence of one. The news media tell us that the two major political candidates each have an agenda for ways to spend a trillion dollar budget surplus, one probably composed of equal parts cooked books and wishful thinking, but let us posit for the nonce that we really have a dollar sign with a dozen zeros after it and a one between the pair, which is burning a hole in our budget and has been put off limits for doing something sane like paying down our war debts. Best I can tell, the party of mean spiritedness was planning to use that surplus to give tax breaks to the folks funding their campaigns, sort of a "billionnaires' budget blessing" for the Forbes 400 richest folks in America. The party of general profligacy seemed intent on doing something for the homeless, perhaps buying them all RVs with an eight years' supply of fuel and food and cannabis and Mapquest interfaces. The chartreuses' agenda wasn't too clear, but I believe professional 24x7 tree huggers were to be hired to protect all the old growth forest trees, or some such, from among the unemployed, the under employed, and the polluting industry employed to be carried to and from their tasks in non-polluting, packaging free electric camels. While all of the above are certainly splendid uses for loot for which the folks from which it was extracted have no conceivable other uses, I feel a great need to look at an alternative agenda, one that will put America back in the forefront of nations, by reinforcing the habit that got us where we are today. Yes, I'm talking government funding of pure research. Yes, I'm talking pork barrel budget busting. Without further ado, then, let us look at a few of the many worthwhile research grant proposals that have gone wanting for lack of budget at the National Science Foundation and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and see if we couldn't just usefully hand that $1T to the NSF and DARPA with joy and trust, knowing that they'd do right by us, the taxpayers. Title: Further investigations into the unexpectedly high incidence of haital hernias in obese males age 45 to 55. Principle investigator and affiliation: Jonathan Hogg, Professor of Extreme Nutrition, Razorback University, Pigwallow, Arkansas. Abstract: Does gut sucking, when a woman young enough to be his grandchild walks by in revealing clothing, really push the obese male's organs through his diaphragm to sleep side by side with his lungs and heart? Methodology: Standard "street tarts and couch potatos" protocol will be used. Additional funding required: Both special funding for a derrick to maneuver the couch potato research subjects upright, and also the hourly rates for street tarts, explain the rather high supplemental funding request for this grant. Title: Revisit of the skewed statistics for Net awareness among users with accounts less than two years old. Principle investigator and affiliation: Asa Batt, Professor of Aural Studies, Unseeing University for the Fully Vision Challenged, Textonly, Texas. Abstract: There is frequent mention in the aural media and braille publications of an 18% awareness of Usenet news among the general web population. It has been unclear in these reports just what the other 82% of the populace are doing while sitting at their telnet sessions: enjoying the repeated vocalization of their login fortune cookie is one theory, while seeking a CRT tan is another. Methodology: Graduate students with particularly acute hearing will be stationed at home and office computer use points around the country, listening carefully for any signs of mentation among those not feverishly typing FTSD postings, to wrest an understanding of the fascination to the others of sitting at a keyboard making clicking noises with their thumbnails. Additional funding required: Both the need for first class airline tickets to points of investigation so that guide dogs can accompany the graduate students to their assigned stations, and the increasing cost of doggie kibble with the failure of Pets.com, explain the rather high supplemental funding request for this grant. Title: Swarming behavior of coptotermes cranius in urban environments. Principle investigator and affiliation: Xanthus Xanthianus, Professor of Pedantry, San Jose University for the Insufferably Smug, San Jose, California. Abstract: Mental capacities are decreasing at an alarming rate in the "demographic hump" of the baby boom generation as it enters its fifth decade. A growing awareness in the academic community of connections between this intellectual loss and the swarming of copotermes cranius, the common "brain termite", around computer keyboards and monitors which seem constantly in use, has led to a hypothesis much in need of investigation, that the sufferer might need to be weaned from the posting chair by more attractive alternatives. Methodology: As graduate students are typically too young to be research subjects in problems of the late middle aged, the PI will at great personal risk and inconvenience be his own research subject; seeking out parts of "real life" that make the 24x7 posting attempts seem less attractive. Additional funding required: The high cost of wine, women, song, recreational drugs, fine restaurants, spas, massage parlors, theatah tickets, and world travel, all potential weaning mechanisms, explain the rather high supplemental funding request for this grant. That it must of necessity be a longitudinal study across many years to study the long term effects of this behavior modification only increases this funding need. There were more, but the witching hour approaches. Cheers! xanthian. ===== random archival quality quote ===== It's been a hard day on the planet, How much is it all worth? It's been a hard day on the planet, Things are getting tough all over the Earth. -- Louden Wainwright III, Hard Day on the Planet -- Kent Paul Dolan. <firstname.lastname@example.org> <email@example.com> <firstname.lastname@example.org> Gods, that stunk.