Article: 178893 of talk.bizarre
From: andsol@cml.rice.edu (Andrew Solberg)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: A Holiday Guide To Dieting
Date: 1 Dec 1994 19:38:18 -0600
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Status: O
A HOLIDAY GUIDE TO DIETING
It's time once again for those end-of-the-year holidays, and I guess
we all know what that means. Yes, friends; it's time to get all puffy and
bloated once more. It seems like every year I see more and more sweets
and lardy foodstuffs getting scarfed. I predict that by the year 2006
it will be traditional to gather with friends and family to consume a
large vat of Crisco on Boxing Day.
If you're like me, you like to eat chili out of cans without warming it
up first -- same as the next guy. Naturally, therefore, the question
that should be foremost on your mind, except for "How am I supposed to
pee with this thing when my hands are this cold?", ought to be "How, O
how, can I shed these excess seasonal pounds?" A fine question, that.
Fortunately, as usual, I have all the answers.
If you have put on a few extra stone, and I don't mean Sharon, then here's
a hint or three to help you jettison those Honey-baked Ham Hombre Tubby
White Guy blues:
* Become bisexual. This will greatly increase your cross-section
for getting laid. Sex is, as we all know, a highly aerobic
activity, involving elevated heart rates, increased lung draw
and complicated trapeze acrobatics. As your doctor, I advise
you IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS to get your end wet NOW.
This is especially true for guys. Semen, as you may or may
not know, is chock full o' carbohydrates to power your hungry
swimmers. And each wad you launch is just one more tablespoonful
of sugar that isn't powering *you*, 'chubby'.
* Panic. If at all possible, fear for your very life. The fight-
or-flight reflex is a very powerful instinct, and it requires
a great deal of calories to sustain a prolonged bout of paranoia.
Researchers at John Hopkins have estimated that the equivalent
of four hours of jogging can be achieved simply by approaching
a Hell's Angel and saying, "Hey, nice SUZUKI!"
* Be violent. Let me just say this: There is no exercise
better servicing of the cardiovascular system, more benevolent
to blood sugar levels, or more pleasing to the overall spirit
and human condition, than kicking the shit out of some beastly
little crotchfodder snotnose twerp who richly deserves it.
Sure, James Brown was an asshole for beating his wife. But
the man sure was LEAN....
* Give up roughage. Keeping the mail moving is vital to proper
digestion - but it's IMproper digestion we're after. What we
want is a total blockade - an utter butt-embargo, Iraq-style,
sealing off your sphincter until your GI tract becomes tractable.
You will gain weight for the first few weeks. Hovever, you
will soon notice a marked decrease in your appetite. Eventually
you will cease eating entirely and your weight won't change at
all, although pieces of it will begin to redistribute itself
into a pleasingly warm bulge just at your waistline. Then when
the time is right, perhaps just before a meeting when you want
to look your best, elective surgery can remove UP TO THIRTY
POUNDS of undesired organic matter from your colon! You'll be
trim AND more productive, as you won't lose all that crucial
time spent on the can. Plus, this method is ALL-NATURAL!
* Aversion therapy. Every time you feel like having another piece
of pumpkin pie, put a hot iron in your pants.
* Water weight. We are something like 95% water by weight. That's
a lot of water, friends -- TOO much. You can afford to lose
some.
Try cutting back on your liquid intake. At first, just give
up on drinking pure water and almost-pure water drinks such as
tea. The next step is to consume only emulsion-like beverages
such as milkshakes or lassis. In the final stages, you will
extract what little moisture you need from leafy branches and
roots, much like the hardy kangaroo rat.
In the meantime, you will slim down like you wouldn't believe!
Your friends will be amazed at your slim figure, your taut
skin and your incredibly dense muscle mass. "And I'm almost
completely dehydrated," you can truthfully boast. Go ahead:
you deserve it!
Finally, kids, nothing is as important to dieting as a proper, positive
frame of mind. To that end, you should stock up on cocaine and crank
*before* the Christmas rush.
I GUARANTEE my dieting methods. If you try to diet the Solberg way for
three weeks and aren't COMPLETELY SATISFIED, I promise I'll come over
right away and kick the shit out of you. And that'll be slimming for
the both of us.
Happy holidays, all, and remember these parting words:
"DAMMIT, THE COOKIES ARE FOR *SANTA*."
--
HWRNMNBSOL = Andrew J. Solberg, Visiting Prof. at Rice U. from U. of Oslo